Good morning, Readers!

So... the trailer for The Last of Us Part II dropped yesterday.

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Ahem.  I might be a little excited about it.

For those of you who don't know, I played the first game (you can find my review here), and absolutely adored it.  I could gush about it all day.  I'm also still in love with Joel as a character.  Anyway, here's the trailer for the new game:

It's very different from the reveal trailer.

The reveal trailer shows a now adult Ellie who has, presumably, obliterated a Firefly outpost.  A suspiciously Joel-shaped shadow approaches and asks in a suspiciously Joel-like voice with the suspiciously Joel-like pistol.  It gave the impression that players would be on the road again with Joel and Ellie, the almost father daughter combination that stole so many hearts (it totally stole mine).

The game trailer was nothing like that.  We were introduced to a whole new cast of characters, one of whom, it is heavily implied, might be pregnant.  This badass mum-to-be is rescued.  And then there's a line that perked my ears up:

"She's one of them."  As in one of the demons.  As in one of the infected.

Except she doesn't look or act like one of the infected.

Ah hah!  She's immune (probably).

Pregnant and immune.  Ellie's mum?

This is all conjecture, of course.  Entirely speculation.  But it's really fun to speculate about who these people are and why we're seeing them.

I am a little disappointed that there was no Ellie and Joel in this trailer.  I love them so much, and would love to see more of them.  I am excited, though, to find out about Ellie's mum.  Perhaps they'll combine both; as in Ellie finds out something about the Fireflies that has to do with her mother, and that's what sends her on a rampage against them.  Maybe we will get more Ellie and Joel.

It might be wishful thinking, though.

I'm genuinely thrilled to see this trailer.  Of the games I've played, The Last of Us is the one that has sat with me the longest.  I still sometimes think back on that story, and the characters.  And if this game is anything close to the brilliant vehicle for telling the story that the last one was, I'll be well satisfied.

I do have to point out a rather pleasing idea that I read in the comments of the video I watched yesterday:

Imagine if Joel and Ellie's mum had an encounter and affair during the fall of humanity, and Joel is actually Ellie's dad, and neither of them know it.

I think it'd be a hell of a coincidence, but it's still fun to think about.  The idea pleases me.

Any gamers amongst my readers who are deep into tearing apart trailers and coming up with theories?  LEave your favourites in the comments below!

Good morning, Readers!

So many of you have seen that I've been very quiet on Facebook of late.  That's because Facebook is being a dick.

I will be getting back to it soon.  Hopefully it won't take all that long.  I expect things to be sorted soon.  I wanted to create a fresh new couple of pages; one for my gaming stuff, one specifically for my writing stuff, and one for the YouTube channel I run (which is separate from the gaming stuff).  And then I wanted to create a central hub for it all; a group for anyone who is interested in all the stuff I do.

The group was designed for readers, viewers and I to be able to interact more freely and openly than on my page.  It was also made because Facebook has been screwing over small businesses and professional creatives for a while now, making them pay if they want everyone who has 'liked' their pages to get their posts and updates...  Which they clearly wanted because they liked the damned page.

What fuckery is that?

Facebook fuckery, that's what.

Anyway, I would be able to cross post to the group from my pages, and they way everyone in the group would get updated, and have it show up.  That was the idea, anyway.  Then Facebook decided that I was doing something wrong, even though I most certainly was not.  They disabled my account.

Thinking I lost everything, I created a new account to start from scratch.

They have disabled that account, too.

I've appealed, and am now just waiting for Facebook to fix things.  Then I have a goodly amount of sorting to do before I can get back into the regular schedule of Facebooking etc.

I apologise for my silence.  With luck, it won't be long now before everything is sorted out.  Once it is, I'll be shouting it from the rooftops.

For now, please be patient.  I'll be back soon!

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

I am friends or friendly acquaintances with a lot of writers.  Big surprise, right?

They are all, without fail, wonderful people.  Ottawa has a brilliant speculative fiction community.  Some of my closest friends are in that community.

And every so often, announcements are made that, for a brief moment, hurt a bit.  I'm talking about jealousy, of course.

Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely proud and happy when I hear of my friend's successes.  It makes me so happy that they're experience something so exciting and positive.

But there is often that pang.  That little sting that reminds you that you aren't getting any success yourself.

It sucks, being jealous.  I usually feel like an awful person because I get that little jolt.

But here's the thing, jealousy is a perfectly normal thing to feel.  Professional jealousy is probably something that a lot of people feel.  The trick with it is to recognise it, and control it.  If not, you run the risk of it controlling you.

I genuinely believe that when we ignore the emotions considered bad or unpleasant, when we refuse to acknowledge them, they tend to creep up and get control of our behaviours without us really realising what's going on.  And that's when we start to get into trouble.

Jealously is so often labelled bad.  And, if it rampages unchecked all over your behaviour, it most definitely is.  But I don't think that it is inherently bad in and of itself.  Like anger, jealousy can be an brilliant motivator, for one.  It serves as a reminder of your life goals, which can sometimes be forgotten if life is cruising along happily.  As I stated before, it become a bad thing if you let it control your behaviour.

It's honestly fine to feel jealousy.  It's not okay to lash out because of it.

It's also not okay to beat yourself over the head because you feel jealousy, professional or otherwise.  You're not an evil person for feeling jealousy.  You might be if you start trying to tear someone else down because of it.

I'm here to tell you that you're not a terrible person for feeling an emotion.  It's okay to feel that way.  You are not an automaton.

Better still if you use it to better yourself and your situation.  You want the success you see other people enjoying?  Then get off your butt and go get it.  Use jealousy to get you where you want to go.

Use it to build and not destroy, and you'll be doing well.

​And try to be kind to yourself.  It's okay to feel things.

Good morning, Readers!

I know I've written about this before, so if you've heard this one, feel free to skip it.

I hated being a girl.

I hated it.

I was surrounded by messages that girls were weak.  We were useless.  We were frivolous, vacuous and incapable.  Our only value lay in our appearance; in how well and quickly we can ensnare a man.  And I wasn't pretty enough, or even had the inclination, for that.  So I had absolutely no value.

Girls weren't supposed to like swords and fighting, action movies, or science fiction, fantasy or horror.  We weren't supposed to like rough-housing, climbing things, getting our knees skinned (scars on a woman are unattractive, after all).

There were many evenings that I spent up in my favourite mango tree, wishing to hell that I was not a girl.  Then I would be able permitted to love all the things I loved.  I would be allowed to rough-house, and play with swords, and get into the mud to chase insects and frogs.  Everything around me told me that was not acceptable for girls to do.

This is a similar experience that a lot of trans people have.  And I would be lying if I wasn't questioning - really hard - if I was a girl at all.  After all, everything I loved seemed to be boy things, not girl things.

The problem, and the difference between myself and trans people, is that I didn't feel like my body, my gender and sex were not wrong.  They were not a poor fit.  I did not feel like this body was wrong for me.  I was a girl.  100%.

I just hated it.

And I fell into the trap that was set for me.  Everything feminine became toxic to me.  I despised the colour pink, in all its forms.  Skirts and dresses were stupid.  Make up was even more stupid.  Anything and everything traditionally associated with femininity was a symbol of the lesser.  It was a symbol of idiocy and inability.  It was stupidity and frivolousness.  It was weakness.

I existed in a strange place.  A girl who despised everything about herself, who wished she was not a girl, even though she didn't and couldn't identify any other way.

Oh, the therapy I went through to unpack it all!

It took me until my very late twenties for me to begin to even start to break down the nonsense that I had drilled into me about femininity.

​It wasn't until I hit thirty that I realised the problem was not that I was a girl.  The problem was all the bullshit that people think being a girl means.  The problem was how we tend to devalue things considered feminine.  The problem was what we tend to consider feminine in the first place.

First, let's talk about the devaluing of things perceived to be feminine.  I know a lot of people who will get their backs up about this, but there is plenty of evidence to suggest that is, in fact, exactly the case.  Here's an article about it.  The fact is, I fell into the trap of thinking that because it was girlish, it was immediately lesser.  And that's bullshit.

Fun fact: men used to wear make up and heels.  Then women got into the game and suddenly it's 'not manly.'  That's for girls, and now also frivolous and entirely without value.  Oh, and let's not forget the 'false advertising' argument we hear so often, as if women wear make up for anyone's benefit other than themselves.  Some might, I don't know.  Despite coming to terms with much of my femininity, I'm still not a fan of make up.  Except at Hallowe'en.

Society does devalue women and our contributions.  Women in the sciences and their contributions to history were entirely ignored (though major efforts are underway to correct that.  Have I gushed enough about Rejected Princesses on this blog?).  When women enter a profession, the pay in that profession drops.  Society does not value women, their contributions or their labour.

Given that this is the case, it is a hard task to ask anyone to value femininity.  We're told explicitly and implicitly that femininity is without value.  No wonder I rejected it so wholly when I was younger.

There is also an enormous problem with gender roles.  I honestly think they're utter bullshit.  Gaming isn't just a guy thing. There are plenty of men who don't like gaming.  There are plenty of women who love it.

Rough-housing is not just a guy thing.  Plenty of women adore it.  Hi.  I'm one.  In fact, I would wager that the reason more women aren't in martial arts is a combination of factors including being told that they don't belong, they shouldn't want to - it's not ladylike, it will turn men off and so forth.

In fact, I know for a fact that people are uncomfortable around muscular women.  People have declared out loud that it's "gross."  Women with muscle have their gender continually questioned.  Physical strength is considered unwomanly.  You see, women are meant to be slim, but not strong.  Or, if they are, they mustn't look strong.  That's off-putting.  That's unfeminine.

What utter bullshit.

Physical strength should not be relegated to one gender or the other.  It's bullshit.  I'm 100% woman, and I'm proud of what strength I have.  I'm actively working for more.  And it's not because I'm unfeminine, or I'm rejecting femininity.

Women, it feels like, must continually diminish themselves in order to fit into the teeny, tiny space in order to be acceptable as women.  They can't prove to be too clever, or too strong, or have too firmly held opinions, or be too independent.

Christ, the number of times I've been told to diminish myself because 'boys find you intimidating.'  Honestly, that sounds like a them problem.  But it also became a me problem.  I was told I was 'too much' to be womanly.

What utter bullshit.

I don't believe that strength, or lack of interest in fashion or makeup has anything to do with gender.  I am 100% comfortable in my gender.  I'm 100% woman.

These realisations came slowly to me.  It took me a long time to even look at a skirt like it would be something I would want to wear.  It felt like a surrender to frivolity to wear one.  I felt like I would be treated even worse than usual, even more like I was an idiot, even less like I had value.  It wasn't until I was able to shed all the baggage around my gender that I was able to happily wear a skirt or a dress.  It wasn't until that I understood that the bullshit surrounding the feminine and femininity was actually bullshit that I no longer cared what people thought of me.  I knew, in my core, that it was possible to be a woman who loves gaming, loves martial arts, loves being, feeling and looking strong, and still be womanly.

I am all the things people claim that women should not be.  And I am 100% woman.

Good morning, Readers

I was greatly heartened after the surprisingly well-attended Asexual Identities panel at CanCon this year.  It was really awesome to be on a panel with other people who were so similar to myself, and had similar experiences.  It was wildly reaffirming, and helped me a great deal on a personal level.

You see, asexual erasure is something that you don't notice, but the lack of openly asexual people, both in real life and in media really does start to play with your head.  You don't even notice the feelings of isolation, not until you discover openly asexual people or find them explicitly stated in media (I was surprised by how deeply having it explicitly stated in a book (Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire)).  Then, for a little while, you feel less freakish.  Then, you finishing watching the show, leave the convention, finish the book.  And life returns to "normal."  A life where asexuals might as well not exist.  And the feelings of isolation begin to creep in again.

So it really did help to have that panel, on multiple levels.

The need for openness and representation was also behind my 'coming out,' as it were.  Growing up feeling so isolated and freakish motivated me to be public about it.  I want to be there for others who were like me.  I want them to see someone like themselves, so they won't feel so awful about something as simple as their sexuality.

Coming out seems like such a stupid thing to say when it comes to asexuality.  It still feels weird to be considered queer, since, particularly in my case, I'm hetero-romantic.  However, as pointed out during the panel, a lot of asexual experiences match the experiences other queer folk, including the feeling that we're just not queer enough.

The fact that our experiences are seemingly universal really did surprise me.  You wouldn't think that coming out as asexual would be a big deal to anyone other than asexuals hungry for representation, but I have received a surprising amount of push back, from surprising, and often hurtful, corners of my personal life.

​​One of the other shared experiences is that of having to continually 'come out,' as it were.

And it's not just having to come out to every new friend you make, which is annoying but understandable.  I mean, they're new to you and your life.  They're not just going to magically know about you, and it's not like asexuality has any major tells so that they'd be able to guess on their own.  I don't mind doing that so much.

I do, however, mind having to come out repeatedly to the same people over and over and over and over again.  Yes, that's a thing.  That I have had to constantly do, particularly the first time I totally owned my sexual identity publicly.  It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, guys.

There are a fair number of reasons why this is the case.  Part of it is that I write stories with characters who are, largely, not asexual.  In fact, the only character I've written to be asexual is a side character in Daughters of Britain.  Portia is, I've recently realised, most definitely asexual.  Apart from her, though, most everyone I've written are sexual... sort of.  I'd argue that Seraphimé from The Seraphimé Saga is on the asexual spectrum.  I think she's demi, like myself.  But you wouldn't really know unless I've said, because she does engage in sexual behaviours, and does find herself attracted to the animalistic god of death.

For the most part, though, my characters are all sexual beings.  This is especially the case in Human, because, well, vampires.  So, yeah.  My writing doesn't actually reflect my asexuality in any real way.

I suppose the fact that people believe the sexuality of my characters despite my limited experience in the world of physical attraction is a good thing.  It means I got a lot of things right.  Yay!  It does mean I get a lot of "Are you sure you're..." questions, though.  And that gets tiresome.

Another major contribution to the constantly having to come out to people who should know by now, is the fact that asexuality is so underrepresented, dare I say erased, that people just don't understand what it's actually about.  There are a whole lot of misconceptions about what asexuality is and people, generally speaking, couldn't be bothered to do the research to clear up their understanding.  Even when someone in their life comes out as asexual.

Asexuality is not sex-repulsion.  I mean, there certainly are sex-repulsed asexuals out there. I've met one.  But not all asexuals are sex-repulsed.  Many of us can, will, and do engage in sexual activities.  Those of us who don't thusly engage, and aren't sex-repulsed can even be sex positive.  I am.  Obviously.

Asexuality is not celibacy.  Celibacy is a choice.  Asexuality is not.  A celibate may feel sexual attraction, but for a variety of reasons, distance themselves from the activity and the pursuit of the activity.  Sometimes, as in the case of monks, it is in pursuit of a religious ideal (because sex is... dirty...?  Or something).  Sometimes, as in the case of the BBC's modern adaptation Sherlock, it's because the character/person believes that doing so will interfere with a goal or objective.  Think of it like this: did you choose to be attracted to the people you're attracted to?  No?  Well, asexuals did not choose to be attracted to no one (or very, very few, depending on where on the spectrum they fall).

Asexuality is not an inability to love.  Sexual and romantic attractions are very different.  I know that for most people, the sexual folk, the two are one and the same.  That is not the case for asexuals.  It is possible to be romantically attracted to a person even if you're not sexually.  I know that this is almost impossible for sexual folk to understand, because for them they're one and the same.  But they're not.  This becomes apparent when you think of it this way: is there someone you've met or seen that you'd happily take to bed for a night, but just cannot fathom spending any length of time with outside of sexy fun times?  Congratulations, that is the difference between sexual and romantic attractions.  A romantic bond exists outside of sex, even if sex is the most usual way to express that bond.

Asexuality is not a result of some kind of physical or mental deficiency or trauma.  It is a perfectly normal sexuality, even if it is not common.  It is not caused by hormonal deficiency and won't be cured with supplements or injections.  It isn't because someone had a traumatic experience in their life and now associates anything sexual with that trauma.

All asexuality is simply the lack of sexual attraction.

That's it.  That's all it is.

But because people don't know that, many consider asexuality as something that requires fixing.  They can't imagine that a person could be asexual and perfectly happy.  And so there is a continual need to come out and justify one's sexuality.  It gets tiresome.  So fucking tiresome.

I cannot wait for the day when that's no longer a thing I have to do.  I can't wait until the response to "I'm asexual" is little more than a shrug and an "okay."  No more "Are you sure?"  No more "Maybe it's [insert dubious medical rationalisation]."  No more "Oh, you just haven't had a good experience."  No more questioning.  No more undermining.  No more erasing my identity because they can't be bothered to do the mental labour necessary to understand something outside of their own experience.

No more having to come out over and over and over again to the same damned people.

Maybe, if we keep adding our voices, experiences and if people actually seek to educate themselves about it, one day this need continually come out will cease.

​One day.

Good morning, Readers!

So... I have been very busy, but seem to be getting nothing done.

And this morning was a weird one; out of my normal schedule, and things have been wonky ever since.

In fact, I forgot to write a blog post this morning.  If I had remembered, you would have been reading this several hours ago.

There are a couple of things that I wanted to talk about, so I figured that I'll just post a list of them here, so you know what to expect, and whether you want to check in on the blog.  Yeah... that's not a bad idea, actually.  So, here they are, the topics I'll be writing about this week:

1. Having to Come Out repeatedly.
2. Coming to terms with my femininity.
3. Professional jealousy

I know I've covered these topics before, but I think they bear more exploring.  So that's what I'll be doing this week.

Also, I would like to extend a special welcome to my new Twitch followers.  Thanks for the follow ​Jagtress, isidoka_247, Wrathof314, jlbubonik486, Erit_Of_Eastcris, Coaxtl, AbsMechanik, bubonik486, TonyArseneau, evenworseusername, Chamoru_solja671, SeekerRob, Dragonslayer278, JBarkey, ratherastory, Justin_4321, opticbear79, discolemonadehd, JDawg2369, nutebag, fergaray, mig2003, and Lynx490_.

​I hope to chat with you over a stream soon!

And that's all I've got today.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

I was supposed to stream last night.

Alas, I could not.  I was just so damned tired.  I could not get myself off the couch after I arrived home yesterday.  I had three separate naps between 6:30 and 10:00 last night, waking only when the cat either jumped on me for cuddles, or got bored and jumped off.

I crawled into bed for a proper sleep just before my usual time of 11:00pm, and fell to sleep immediately.

Persephone has a really sweet habit of curling up with her head on either my shoulder or upper arm.  She only does this when the Amazing Flatmate is away, which has me conflicted, let me tell you.  Anyway, she curled up immediately with her head on my shoulder and purred.  I smiled, and then fell into a sleep like death.

Nothing could have woken me.

Except in the morning, when Persephone woke me for breakfast by walking all over my back.  Persephone is not a small kitty.  She's chubby.  She has a lot of weight.  My muscles are very sore for the first session of weight training since I got shingles about three weeks ago (a month ago?).  It is both the most painful and most relaxing way to way up in the morning.

I think I need to book a massage.

I really, really needed that sleep.  It might have been a combination of post-convention exhaustion, first day of weight training after a protracted break, and the lack of sleep because of the neighbours tapping away all night Tuesday night, but boy did I need that sleep.  I was so tired, I couldn't make it home without stumbling.  I can't remember the last time I was just that tired.

Self-care is something that a lot of people neglect.  I know I did for a long while.  I didn't understand how vital proper sleep, exercise and eating well actually were.  They're so vital.  Not just for your physical health, but your mental and emotional health as well.

Please take care of yourselves!

I will be trying to do a make-up live stream sometime this week, because I wasn't available on Wednesday.  Keep an eye out on my Twitter, if you're keen on watching me fail digital adventures.

Until then, here is the highlight reel from the stream a few weeks ago:

And now I'm going to spend the rest of today trying to work the ache out of my muscles, or I'll be useless at training tonight!

​Ciao!