Good morning, Readers!

So!  I'm on panels at this year's Can-Con.  You're coming to that, right?  RIGHT?!?!

Ahem.

Anyway, the most recent draft of the schedule has gone up on the site, and it looks fantastic.  I'm pretty secure in putting up my schedule at this point.  If anything changes, you will be informed.  But for now, when I'm not in the dealer's room, or eating a meal, or possibly in the audience of one of the many fascinating panels, you will find me on the following panels:

​PS - I also practice and teach Kick-Boxing.

Good morning, Readers!

Some dreams are fairy tales.  One day, a handsome, charming man of noble descent shall come galloping into our lives on a white steed (or in my case, a handsome, slightly grumpy man on a black horse will come galloping... anyway....).  We know they are fairy tales.  Though we might pine for our own princes (or princesses), and some might even fall into the trap of comparing real actual humans with our impossible dreams for a while, we all learn eventually that fairy tales are merely fairy tales.

Some dreams are pleasant distractions, the kind of dreams that are fun to think about but no one really expects to happen.  These are the lists of things people will do if they win the lottery jackpot.  Oh! The places one would go!  The houses they would build!  These dreams twist our lips into wry smiles and draw from our lungs wistful sighs.  Though we might pine for a life unknown, these dreams are mere fun little diversions.

Some dreams, however, consume you.  They plague your sleep and your wakeful moments.  They consume your thoughts, even when you should be thinking of something else.  These dreams, if left alone, drag you to unfathomable depths, twisting you into something small and sad and barely human.  Some dreams cannot be ignored.  They are not light dreams eliciting wry smiles and soft sighs.

These dreams are ravening monsters, with sharp claws that dig in and won't let go and every day spent ignoring them crushes the soul ever so slightly.  These dreams leave you no choice but to pursue.

And these dreams are cruel.  They may forever prove beyond reach, a coy promise chased forever until you drop dead of exhaustion or frustration or despair, and when you rise again, you are smaller, your light is gone, and you hiss bitterly into the world.  And still, until you are utterly broken, you cannot help but chase these dreams; these impossible, cruel dreams.

Sometimes, with the right combination of persistence and sheer, dumb luck, these dreams come true.  That is their double-edge.  These dreams, unlike the fairy tales or wistful what-ifs, can come true.  The siren's lure.  Some people cannot take the risk.  Some people take the risk, but falter fast.  Some people spend all their lives at the chase, and never seen it bear fruit.  Here is a secret those dreams rarely whisper in your eager ear:

Dreams are hard.  They hurt.  You will fail.

But, if you get back up.  If you resume the chase.  If you try again, and again, and again, your dreams may just come true.

May.  Perhaps.  If you work hard enough.

​And if you are lucky.

Go, then.  Go and fight for your dreams.

It won't be easy.  It will take work.  It will take courage and persistence and heart.  And let's not forget luck.  And even after all that, they may never come true.

​But it can be done.

​And so you must try.

Dear Life,

I see you there, smiling and waving, full of sunshine and fields and butterflies.  But I can't today, okay?  Not today.  Not today.

Dear Depression,

Hello.  Yes I know you're there.  I always know you're there.  Lurking.  Waiting.  You don't need to come any closer.  No, stop.  Stop!  STOP!

Dear Life,

I fill you with meaningless things, busy work, anything to keep depression away.  But you and I both know that that's not really living, is it?

Dear Depression,

I hate you.  I hate how heavy you are.  How hard you make things.  Simple things.... Or, at least, they should be simple.

Dear Life,

You're moving away from me.  I need to catch up.  I just... give me a moment, please.  God, why can't I get out of bed?

Dear Depression,

All I can do is sleep all day.  Please go away.  I'm needed.

Dear Life,

I'm sorry.  I can't deal with you right now.  Maybe tomorrow.  Try again tomorrow.

Dear Depression,

I need you to go away now.  Go away.  Big things are happening and I need to be there for them.  Not trapped here.  Not with you.  Go away.

Dear Life,

No, please.  You don't understand.  Please stay.  I'm trying.  I'm really trying.  Please understand how hard this is.

Dear Depression,

So, you've done it again.  Here I am, alone and friendless because of you.

Dear Life,

I hate you.  Go away.

Dear Depression,

No, they were right to leave.  I think I agree with you on this.  They were right to leave.  After all, I wasn't there, was I?  I should have been there, but instead I was chained to my bed, or filling up with busy work to avoid facing you.

Dear Life,

I don't actually hate you.  I'm sorry.

Dear Depression,

You won the battle, but not the war.  You won't win that.  I won't let you.  God. I can't breathe.

Dear Life,

I'm trying.  I really am.  It's taken everything I have just to wake up.  Please be patient with me.  Please.

Dear Depression,

Why am I crying?  It's just water on the floor.  The floor needed mopping any way.  There is nothing wrong.  Why.  Am.  I.  Crying?

Dear Life,

We'll get through this.  We'll get through this, right?




Right?

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'm fine, more or less.  I just needed to get some stuff out.

I'm fine.

​Promise.

Good morning, Readers!

So... Last night was... awful.

I sat down to play me some of my favourite game (Skyrim) on my Xbox 360.  I had finished editing all the footage I had from my previous gaming sessions.  There was a lot of footage.  It was a lot of work.  As a reward,  I wanted to spend last night making more work for myself... which is to say, playing and recording more.

And then, and then, I did something awful.  I knocked my glass of wine over... all over my Xbox.  I started cleaning it up immediately, but though the Xbox made the appropriate noises, it no longer turned on.  Nor did it open the disk drive.

I... well... I cried.

It wasn't just a few tears, it was awful, chest wracking, ugly crying.  I felt stupid for crying.  The Xbox is just a thing.  I can save up for another.

Except for two things:

1.  That Xbox took me three years to save up for.  Shut up.  I'm poor.  It was a symbol of hard work, and a reward for that hard work.  I was so proud when I got that Xbox.  It made me so happy to unbox the thing.  And now...well, now it's the thing I carelessly wasted a glass of wine on.

2.  It had my Skyrim: Legendary Edition disc inside and wasn't giving it back.  It's not just that I love Skyrim to extreme degrees (which I do), it's also because that disc was sent to me by a friend (hey, Laura).  I treasure it for that reason.

So, I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried so much my eyes started stinging.

The funny thing about crying, though, is that once it's over you generally do feel better.  I realise now that I haven't cried - properly cried - in such a long time.  I think I really needed to have that cry last night.

Even if it was over just a thing that I have... had.

And not all was lost.  The Amazing Flatmate was very amazing and managed to retrieve the disc for me, and salvaged the hard drive.  So now, even though I have to buy a new Xbox, I probably won't have the start everything from scratch.

That's something, because HOLY FUCK WHAT ABOUT THE 40+ HOURS OF GAME PLAY I'VE ALREADY DONE FOR SMC AWKWARDLY PLAYS AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THE COOPTED GAME I'M PLAYING WITH JON?!?!?!?

Hopefully, I haven't lost it all, and I can just insert the hard drive into the new xbox... Whenever I can afford to get a new Xbox.

I would prefer to buy new, but for now I'm looking at all my options.  Chances are, I won't be able to buy new unless I want to spend another three years saving... and then there won't be any Xbox 360s around at all.

Le sigh.

I'm feeling better now, but I'm still very sad about it.  I think I will spend today wallowing, if it's all the same to you.

What about you?  Have there been things you have balled your eyes out over even though it felt stupid to cry about it?

Good morning, Readers!

So, here's a thing that happened...

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I remembered that I put out a book trailer for my books each time I publish one... and I haven't even given a thought to the book trailer I'm going to release for Sky Road Walker.  Damn it!

I usually have the thing at least story-boarded by now.  Le sigh.

Man, I go away for one weekend and things are just piling up!

In other news, we're a couple of steps closer to having a spot for our book launch.  I haven't exctaly been idle on that front.  There will be an announcement soonish, I think.

In other, other news, I've finished editing and uploading the hours and hours of gaming footage I have for the SMC Awkwardly Plays segment on Silver Stag's YouTube channel.  There is a lot of footage.  I have episodes scheduled well into February of next year, that's how much footage I've had to go through and edit.

On the bright side, now that it's all done and uploaded, I can delete that footage to make way for new footage... which is just a way of framing the fact that I get to play more Skyrim in terms of workloads.  I'm currently in Solstheim, getting my arse handed to my by ash spawn.  I'm excited to play again.

That will be happening tonight, I think.

But today, today, I have to storyboard my book trailer and start researching images, footage and music for it.  Since that is the case, I must dash.  This kind of research is time consuming.

What are your plans for today?

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

It was a really bad idea to stay up until 1:00am editing videos...

I had plans to restart running today, since the weather was so beautiful and cool.  But no.  Instead I slept because oh my goodness was I ever exhausted.  I woke up exhausted.  I arrived to work exhausted.  And now I have to get my work done exhausted.

Priority one, currently, is to follow up on all the emails I sent before I went to Calgary regarding a space to do the book launch.  I haven't heard back from many people, so I'll have to email them again, as well as email new places.  There are a couple that look promising.

I also have to finish the stuff for Silver Stag that I uploaded.  There are still things that need fixing up that I must do.  That one's not so big.  I can easily get that done pretty quickly.  I think I will do that first, and then get to emailing all the places.

There's quite a list.

I'm a little annoyed at the amount of work I've given myself.  I haven't written in weeks.  I'm hoping that when all this calms down, I'll be able to get back into my usual schedule and not have to fuss with conventions and pitching, querying or organising launch parties...

Le sigh.  I do this to myself.

It doesn't help that I stayed up late last night (late for me, okay, you judgemental night hawks).  I really screwed myself over with that one.

That was a very bad idea.

Now I'm off to work.  What are some of your bad ideas?

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

I'm so excited, guys!

Can-Con 2016 is almost here!

I will definitely be there.  I will definitely have books to sell there.  You can definitely find me behind my table.  You will also find me on panels.  There are so many great panels this year, it's hard to pick a favourite.  My first will be taking place late on a Friday, and that's the one where I get to talk about my martial arts stuff.  I may geek out at this panel, guys.

You can check out the draft schedule here.

I will also be posting up a list of my personal schedule as soon as I get confirmation regarding a conflict I noticed.

I know I say this every year, but Can-Con genuinely is one of the best speculative fiction conventions out there.  I've been to a couple of others this year, and there's just something special about Can-Con (When World's Collide was also an excellent convention.  I enjoyed myself a lot... though that's also because the hotel had a water slide.  What?  I'm only human).  It's nothing to do with the fact that this one is in the city in which I live, making it easier (and cheaper) to attend.  It's really, I think, the people involved, and the people who attend.  I really love hanging around these people.  They're open and friendly and, I know I've said this before, didn't treat me like a fraud just because I showed up as a self-published author with only one book to my name.

Honestly, I think it's because they didn't reject me (which is a fear I have personally and professionally), that I now have six books to my name (the sixth being published on Hallowe'en) and two completed manuscripts currently looking for a home.  I might have slunk away and given up if the community proved snobbish or unwelcoming.

In short, this is the most fun, supportive and brilliant community I've ever had the pleasure of being a part of.  Can-Con is always a good time, because this is the hive, the festival in which all these incredible people gather in one place to revel in the all the stuff we love.

It's awesome!

I'm super excited about it, and I do hope that you'll all come - at least to say hello.  You can find all the registration details here.  Come.  Seriously.  It's a fabulous time!  And if things get a bit overwhelming, you can come hang out with me in the dealer's room.  If I'm not on a panel....

Anyway, the point of this blog is this:

Come to Can-Con.  It's fantastic!

And now I must go do crazy amounts of work.

Ciao!