Good morning, Readers!

I’ve heard it said that the lotus is a symbol of perseverance; that the muddiest water produces the most beautiful blooms. I suppose it’s supposed to be something like the fiercest fire forges the strongest blade, or something with a similar intent.

But here’s the thing about that which immediately struck me:

The lotus blooms because that mud has everything it needs to produce beautiful flowers. That mud contains the life-giving nutrients required to give that blossom the best shot at a beautiful life. Mud might look messy, but it harbours all the plants needs to succeed.

Adversity isn’t that. It isn’t a messy-but-nutrient-rich environment. It is marked by the absence of things. The absence of the basics required for life. The absence of the security required to create. There is no energy for blossoms if it all the plant can do is cling precariously to life. Blossoms require a lot of energy to create. If a plant is under environmental stress, it will forgo blooming, or the flowers will be sub-par, until a season hits with more favourable conditions. A lotus cannot bloom if its seed is planted in the cracks of a concrete road.

A person’s potential is lost when that person must devote all of their time, their energy, and their mental capacity to simply surviving. There is nothing left over. There will be no flowers.

I cannot be the lotus. Not currently.

I cannot even aspire to be the lotus.

But one day, one day, I will bloom with all the fuck you energy of a dandelion.

Ciao.


​

Good morning, Readers!

Part of my mental health issues of late, I'm fairly certain, is the fact that everything feels so wildly out of control for me.

I was an idiot to choose to try for a career in a field that requires so much luck (fiction author. It's not for those who need stability in their lives). I've never really been lucky.

I'm trying so hard to find some sort of handhold as I freewheel through this existence. I have a full-time job which... has provided me with the means to keep myself sheltered and fed, but I'm not satisfied with my current situation.

So, I've bought a couple of books to try and find that control of my own life I so desperately need while continuing to fight my rotten luck in the hopes of landing and being supported by my dream job (fiction writer).​ The steps are coming slowly, but I am making them.

Yesterday, I sent some emails enquiring after prices for headshots. They're all fairly pricey, actually, but maybe having something really professional will help me in my goals. It also gives the impression of some measure of control. I'm doing something that may help me achieve my goals.

It's better than doing nothing. It's something.

When I get all the responses from the photographers, I'll make a decision, pay the costs, and then get professional headshots done. I aim to do this before the month is out.

Now that I've done the thing (took me long enough), it's on to reading the next chapter of the book I'm using as a guide to help me get to where I want to be in my writing career.

It's better than nothing.

Wish me luck.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Once again, I have failed to keep up with my blogging.

It's generally a safe bet that when I'm not blogging, it's because I'm struggling with my mental health. This was, in fact, the case these past few days.

One of the hallmarks of my struggle is incredible fatigue. Usually, I write a blog post the night before (now that I don't have any part of my mornings free), and schedule it for the next morning. I've not managed to do that in a long while. I was too exhausted. I'd come home, lie down in bed, and not move again until the next morning except for to maybe shower and try to take care of myself.

It's not good. It wasn't good.

But it was the best I could manage.

I'm a little better today, and hopefully I'll be getting better for a little while yet. It seems my spirals are coming in much more frequently and for a lot longer than they had been previously.

I am taking steps, however, to try and mitigate it.

I've recently started meditation. I cannot do it on my own, so I've opted for guided meditations available for free on YouTube. I always opt for the ones that are designed not just to calm, but to uplift. It has helped a little. I aimed to do them daily, but... well... like most things of late, that hasn't happened. The trying is what's important, right?

Anyway, that's where I am right now, mentally.

As for my other things, writing continues, and I've written well past the 150 000 word mark (as evidenced by yesterday's post), and my brain has started to take the draft and fix it up already. There will be more words to add, and I think it might be a lot more episodic than it currently is. So there will likely be a lot of filler words that I will have to nix, too.

This one is vastly different from anything I've written before - not the genre, but the structure.

Editing this one is going to be hell, is what I'm saying.

I'm still researching photographers for my official author headshots. I've not made much progress, but I have given myself a deadline of the end of this week to make the appropriate enquiries, and I hope to have a decision made by the end of the month.

I've started streaming a new game. Immortals: Fenyx Rising is a really cute, fun game, and though I've only done one streaming session, I'm enjoying it immensely. The art style is lovely, and the writing is hilarious. Join me Friday evenings live on Twitch for that.

And that's where I am in the rest of my life.

I hope you're all well. Giant hugs to those of you who are struggling. It's not easy, and you're doing brilliantly, even when it feels like you're not. Right, there are things for me to do now.

Ciao!

Good afternoon, Readers!

I'm very late writing this, for multiple reasons, most of which involve me not having my shite together and writing this last night when I had a bit of time.

This won't be a long post, as I don't have the time.

It's been a while since I posted, and I'll be talking about it tomorrow. For now, though, I should let you know that despite my lack of posting here, I have been writing. Not a lot. But I have been consistently hitting my target.

I can't remember where I was the last time I posted an update, but here is where I am now:

Got past the 150K word mark last week, and it felt pretty good. I'm still writing, and there will be more words to add in the edits.

My brain is filling in a lot of the details that I glossed over when I started writing this thing. I'm actually quite excited to get to the editing for a couple of reasons. 1. It'll mean that I've finally finished writing this thing. 2. There are a lot of details and slight changes to make that I think will really make this story sing (or, at least, make it so much stronger than it is now).

Right, that is all I have for you today. I have to go now.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

So, a while ago, I wrote a lot about my frustration with how little I’ve managed to gain traction as a writer in the world. I talked a lot about how so much of this is down to chance. But a lot of it is also a personal failing of mine.

I don’t know how to market. I don’t know what to do to broaden my reach, to have folks give my book a chance, I’m not a groundbreaking writer. But I’m not terrible, either (I think). My stories are decent. I honestly think that if people gave them a chance, they’d perform pretty well. I need to figure out a way to get my work out there, get people reading it, talking about it (word of mouth is the best marketing, after all).

Acknowledging that I was partly to blame, instead of cursing my terrible luck (listen, I’ve never been particularly lucky), I bought myself a book to begin trying to teach myself how to market ... without being a pain in the arse. There’s nothing I hate more than the feeling that someone is trying to sell me something, and I didn’t and don’t want to be that person, you know?

Anyway, I have taken my time with this one, as there are three other books I’m currently reading - one about metaphysics and the occult (it’s fascinating to me) and the other being fiction. I’ve actually finished a fiction book already and I’m onto my second. More about that later, as I have some thoughts on it. As it stands, I have had this book for a month and I’ve only just now finished the first section.

It talked about having a professional author headshot.

I don’t have one.

I have a couple of photos of me, which I’ve been using, but they aren’t professional headshots. They’re just random photos.

I do so hate photos of myself. But I did promise I’d do what I could to give my writing the best chance possible.  I decided that I would follow the recommendations in this book to a T as long as they made sense to me. So, professional headshots it is.

As it happens, I don’t know where to look for that, or even what I’d want for a professional shot. I’d want it to reflect me, obviously. It is considered unprofessional to have a photo with one of my swords, covered in paint and surrounded by books? Because that is pretty much me in a nutshell.

*sigh*

While I contemplate the kind of headshot I want, I’m putting out feelers for a photographer. I am, of course, absolutely going to pay - work and skill has value, and I have a weird compulsion to ensure that value is recognised and paid, but though I’m working and have some income, not a lot of it is disposable. So I’m looking for someone at a reasonable price in the Ottawa area.

If you’re a photographer specialising in headshots, or you know of one, drop your details/recommendations in the comments, and I’ll add you/them to my research list.

Thanks for your help. I’m off to start researching photographers and price lists.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

I'm over on my art blog today, writing about a project that got me painting again.

Good morning, Readers!

I didn't write at all last week. Not a single word. Not even a blog post.

I was not in a good place. I was so exhausted for no good reason.

That's not entirely true. There were many reasons. Work, home stress, unfulfilled wishes, life frustrations, unresolved grief... I had reached the limit of my ability to hold it together, and had reached burnout.

I didn't write a word because I couldn't. There was nothing left in my tap.

Instead, I spent my lunch hour, which is the only time I have to write, sitting in misery, letting my eyes rest and my mind wander. I couldn't write. I couldn't even muster up the strength to try. I just sat.

I'm less annoyed at myself about it now than I was last week. I realise that I needed the rest. I needed to let my mind rest. I needed to gather my strength and get my head straight.

I'm not quite there, as is evidenced from the lack of posting yesterday... again.

But I'm closer. And I will be writing again this week.

(As of the writing of this, it's Monday afternoon and I'm at home, recovering from the effects of the first vaccination jab I received Sunday. I will be heading back to bed when I finish this post and schedule it)

So, as has become regular for me of late, I failed to reach my target.

Oh well. I'm currently too tired to care.

Right, back to bed for me.

​Ciao!