Good morning, Readers!

How?!  How is it already Thursday?

Ugh!

In other news, I've been granted a name for the rando horse that continually shows up when I fast travel in Skyrim.  Folks, I'd like to introduce you to Horace, the Rando Horse.  Thanks for the name, Éric!  I'm still looking for a name for the helpful dragon.  One was provided, and I do like it, but I'm not in love with it.  Any suggestions welcome.

This morning was a sad one.  I woke up to find my sports watch band had snapped.  It's not a replaceable one, so that means I can't get new ones and just continue wearing my watch.  I had hoped to be able to afford a refurbished Apple Watch before that happened.  Alas, no.  So I shall have to carry around the corpse of my sports watch for when it's needed.  It still functions fine.  Le sigh.

Also, depressingly, yesterday I was promised a thunderstorm.  I did not receive a thunderstorm.  I'm irked.  Firstly, thunderstorms are about my favourite ever type of weather.  Secondly, it might have helped lift the humidity, which is making my life difficult.  It's affecting my runs, and I'm not a fan.  I have to run in this muck this afternoon.  LE SIGH.

And, I'm also sad because I taught my last co-ed kickboxing class for the season.  It was so much fun, and my students were really great this semester.  They tried, they really worked, and it was so rewarding to see them improve.  So, to my students this semester, you are awesome, and I'm so proud of how far you've come in eight short weeks.  I hope to see you all again in the autumn.

That doesn't mean that my workload has lifted.  I am teaching a new unarmed combat class on Friday evenings, I have my own martial arts training to keep up with, which will be happening three times a week, plus working full time, strength and run training for my two 5Ks this season, my writing, editing and a prepping of two manuscripts to go on submission (as soon as I get comments back from my two manuscript killers)... Not to mention trying to keep up with my podcast stuff... Yeah... I'm swamped.  It's a good kind of busy, though, as it's all stuff I quite love.

Speaking of busy, I have to get going if I want to hit my stretch goal of 6K words for the week.  It's a long weekend coming up, so there likely won't be a post on Monday.  It's a holiday.

Right, I'm off.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

So, of late, I've restarted playing Skyrim.  It's a dangerous thing.  I don't know what it is about this game, but I can disappear inside of it for days.  I have to be really careful and disciplined while playing, or I will definitely end up playing that game for three days without break before collapsing from exhaustion and starvation.

It's a fantastic game that is so immersive, it swallows you whole.  One day, I will get the VR version, and the rig, so I can really disappear into the game.  For now, though, I'm content to sit and play like a regular game.

One of the things I really like about Skyrim are the glitches.  No, no, hear me out.  rarely are the glitches affecting game play in an adverse manner.  This glitches are really mild, and often hilarious.  Like, for example, the floating objects glitch.  Every so often you just come across a thing that is floating mid-air.  It's often weird, always hilarious, and once, the thing of nightmares.  I'm documenting these as I play.  The album of floating things is on my gaming page, and I'm slowly adding the screenshot in.  They bring me joy.

However, there is one glitch I've not come across during any other play-throughs of the game.  I find it hilarious.  I have a horse.  I mean, I didn't buy a horse.  Nor did I steal one.  I didn't earn one in a quest, either.  But now I have one.  Sort of.  It just shows up randomly when I fast travel places.  Then it turns around and starts walking back to wherever the frak it came from.  It never stays by my side.  It just shows up, then slowly walks away.  Occasionally, it'll battle things on my behalf, and then resume its walk away from me.  It's the weirdest, funniest thing, and I really enjoy seeing that horse in the most random of places.

I acquired this particular beautiful glitch shortly after leaving Riften once.  The minute I exited the city, we were beset by a dragon.  We were beside the stables when the attack happened, so naturally, the horses joined in.  To fight.  A dragon.  Never let it be said that the beasts of burden in Skyrim are cowards.  Anyway, the horses joined in.  Once the dragon was dead, they returned to their stalls in the stables, and off I went on my merry way, not thinking more on it.

Then, this beast started appearing when I fast travelled.  Not all the time, mind.  Just a lot.  Most of the time, even.

The thing is, I can ride this horse.  I get the option to ride it without the 'steal' indicator showing.  It's just 'ride.'  So clearly this horse is without a rider.  Did the rider die in the fight with the dragon?  If I were to build a stable at one of my estates, would I be able to ride it to that, and leave it there?  Would it take to the stable?  Would I loose the random appearances of the horse if that was the case.  Who knows?  Until I can find out, I'm documenting all the random appearances of the beast with screenshots.  They're in an album on my gaming Facebook page.

Anyway, I love this glitch.  This game bug amuses me.

I'm thinking of naming it.  I probably won't be able to keep it, even if I build stables, but I should like to greet this half-wild fighting horse that often shows up and helps me out, then trods off to... wherever.  I should follow it one of these days.  The point is, I need a name.  Any suggestions?

And while we're naming things, there is a dragon that sometimes spawns that does nothing but circles me for a bit, calling it's really brilliant (well done, sound designers) cry, then flies off.  A couple of times, that dragon has attacked things that were attacking me, which was weird and wonderful.  It attacked and killed a bandit chief, for example, then flew away.  I wasn't even in stealth mode.  I was also trying to kill that bandit chief.  It just didn't attack me.

I'm rather fond of that dragon, so much so that I don't attack a dragon unless it attacks me first, just in case I accidentally wound the nice dragon.  I reckon it also needs a name.

So, here's your task, readers.  I need a name for the random horse, and the friendly dragon.  By the way, Puff, is out for the dragon.  I've already dismissed it.

Right, I have a tonne of work that needs doing.  I'm off.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

It's cool and rainy out today.  This is by far my favourite weather, and I'm wishing I was at home, in bed, a cup of tea and my kitties for company.  That's my idea of heaven.

Apologies for not posting yesterday.  I was at home.  In bed.  Recovering.  I spent most of the day there, snoozing on and off, cuddling the kittens, listening to some music, and sleeping.  I was a wreck yesterday, and I needed the rest.

I also did not stream last night.  I shall have to make it up some time this week.  Not tonight or tomorrow.  Sometime, though.  Sorry to everyone who might have wanted to hang out last night while I gamed.  I was in bed.

I did have a blog post planned for yesterday, but it was one of those that would take a lot of time to write, so I will reserve it for tomorrow.  For now, all I have is this brief apology for vanishing from the internet altogether for a day.  It was really, really needed, however, so I'm not that sorry.

Today, I'm back to writing.  I'm not expecting the same momentum from a fortnight ago, but maybe I'll strike gold and get stuff done.  If I do manage six thousand words (which would be two thousand words per day for the remainder of my writing week - Fridays are reserved for other work), I'll be pleased as punch.  My goal, however, is three thousand for the week.

Speaking of work, I should really get going.  Have yourselves a wonderful day today.

​Ciao!

After this week, I'm not really going to be tackling any pride stuff in depth.  Today, I just wanted to leave you with some things that hit me really hard when I saw them in the past week or two.

The first is a coming out video, done in the most beautiful manner I can possibly think of.  I cried watching this.  It really was just that beautiful.

Here is the short making-of documentary for the above video, in case you  needed it explained:

This last one is long, but worth it.  In a humorous vlog about his life, popular British YouTuber Dan Howell talks about his experiences as a queer person moving about the world.

That's all the pride-centred stuff I have this month.  I'll be back to talking about boring stuff like my run training and my new work in progress and stuff after this.

Have a great weekend, everyone.  See you Monday.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

I'm over at Black Gate magazine today (technically yesterday, but whatevs), continuing pride month with a chat about representation in speculative fiction.

Good morning, Readers!

It’s pride month, so I’m going to talk about representation.

As much as speculative fiction can be an escape from the world, it is also a reflection of the world in which we live. It reflects to us our failings, fears and hopes in fantastical settings. Often times, these are set in worlds which are supposed to closely reflect our own world, or its history. But there’s a problem.

They don’t. Not really. Or rather, not often.
​
In fact, so pervasive is this psuedo-representation that now there is outrage when something closer to reality is portrayed in speculative fiction, be it book or film.

Good morning, Readers!

The easiest way I can think of to explain my experience as an asexual and what I understand about it is to do so in a Q&A format.  As I do so, I cannot stress enough that not all asexual people have had my experience or my understanding on the subject, and their answers may vary.  This is just how I see things.

Clear?  Cool.  Here we go.

So... what even is asexuality?

You know, human sexuality is this wonderfully rich, complex thing.  I firmly believe that there are as many sexualities as their are people on the planet.  That said, asexuality is simply the lack of sexual attraction to anyone.

That doesn't mean that they don't feel any romantic attraction or are unable to fall in love.  It's just that sexual attraction isn't really part of their world.

What is a lack of sexual attraction to anyone like?

So, you know how you might identify as straight, for example, and there's someone of the opposite sex who is your friend.  They're awesome, and fun, and you like spending time with them, but you have never felt the urge to sleep with them.  It's like that.

Or, Imagine your favourite painting.  It's beautiful right?  You could stare at it all day.  It makes you happy just looking at it.  You recognise its beauty.  You like being around it.  But you don't want to fuck it, am I right?  That's people to most asexuals.

No sex.  Got it.

Eeeeeeeeeeeh.... not true.  Plenty of asexuals engage in sexual activities, including self pleasure, for a variety of reasons.  Asexuality is not libido.  Those are different.  Maybe they really enjoy sexual pleasure, but just don't feel the need to include anyone else.  Because, you know, they're not attracted to anyone.  Maybe they're in love with someone, and enjoy being that close to their partner, or find joy in making their partners... uh... happy.  Or maybe they're not hard asexual, but somewhere along the spectrum, like I am.

Whoa... There's so much to unpack here...

Yes.  Human sexuality is wonderfully weird.

Where do I even start?

At the beginning, I imagine.

Right, so what's this about a spectrum?

It's much like orientation, where at one end is absolutely completely straight and the other end completely homosexual.  Most people fall somewhere along that line.  Some people are much more straight, while others are much more gay.  Some people are somewhere around the middle.  Everyone appears somewhere on that scale.

The same is true of asexuals.  Imagine a sliding scale where one end is hyper sexual (sexually attracted to literally every single person of their orientation), and the other end completely asexual (not sexually attracted to anyone at all ever).  Most people tend more towards somewhere around the middle.  Some of us are much closer to the ends.  I am one of the folks that tends very near the hard asexual end, but not all the way.  There have been instances of sexual attraction in my life, but those were extremely rare and required a perfect storm of circumstance.

So... You identify as asexual, but you've felt sexual attraction?

I identify, strictly speaking, as demisexual or grey-ace.  That simply means that I do feel sexual attraction, but it's so rare as to be practically non-existent for me.  Other demisexuals or grey-aces may encounter it more or less than I do.  Like I said, a spectrum.

There have been occasions, very rarely, when I've definitely felt sexual attraction to someone.

Anyone I might know?

That's really not your business.

Just curious, what is the perfect storm you require to feel attraction?

Well, for me personally, I need to have known the person for a long time before there's even the possibility.  That said, there's absolutely no promise that just because I've known someone a long time that I'll ever experience anything even remotely like sexual attraction towards them.  It's a prerequisite, but not a guarantee.

There are other things, of course, like compatibility of values and so forth... the usual stuff for building solid relationships.  Anyway, that's where I am.  Other people on the asexual side of the spectrum will have it happen differently.

Okay, I think I have it.  What about this libido thing, then?

You mean how asexuality has nothing to do with libido?  Oh, that's easy.  Libido has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation, or their level of attractedness to someone.  It's our sexual attraction to other people that's the whole point of the label.  The biology still works.  It's absolutely possible for an asexual to have a high libido.

How would that work, exactly?

Thank heavens for sex toys, is all I'm saying.

So, asexuals are okay with sex?

Some of us.  Many, I'd wager.  I know I am.  But some aren't.  For some, the very thought of sex makes their skin crawl.  These are sex-adverse asexuals.  I'm not one of them.  I'm quite sex-positive, actually, and even find the whole subject of human sexuality utterly fascinating.  You know, the way a biologist might be entirely fascinated by the mating habits of the eastern pine slug (there's no such creature as the eastern pine slug, to the best of my knowledge).  It's interesting for me... in a clinical kind of way.

Okay.  I think.  What about asexuals falling in love, then?

Right, so this is where a tonne of people get confused, because there is a difference between orientation and asexuality.  It is entirely possible for an asexual to be gay, for example, and because love is actually not dependent on sexual attraction (even if sexual people say that is so... it's actually not), they might enter into a gay relationship.

What?

Romantic orientation is different from sexual orientation.  So, an asexual might have a romantic attraction to people of the same gender as they are, making them gay and ace at the same time.  Confusing, right?  Human sexuality, ladles and jellyspoons.

Uh... so... are you gay?

No.  I'm boring old hetero-romantic.  Before you ask, that means that I tend to form romantic attachments with people of the opposite gender.  That said, I'm not ruling anything out.  Maybe one day I'll fall in love with a woman.  Who knows, at this point?  All I can say for sure is that the few instances of sexual attraction I've felt were towards people of the opposite gender, and when I imagine myself with someone, they're always men.

Sorry, ladies ...?

This whole thing is very confusing.

I know, right?  Imagine trying to live it.  I was a mess, let me tell you.

If everything is such a damned mess, why bother with labels?

Some people don't ascribe labels to themselves, which is fine.  However, finding the label asexual was a godsend.  It lined up mostly with my experiences, provided a stable grounding force, and gave me a whole community of folks who are like me.  For someone who felt so alone in the world, that was huge.  It was a massive help.

It also helps communicate effectively with people - provided they don't get all weirdly defensive about how someone else identifies - and let's them know what you're all about in a succinct manner.  Labels can be useful.

Well, I still don't really get it.

That's cool.  It's confusing.  I get it.  But hey, maybe this has piqued your curiosity, and you'll head off and do some more research.  I highly recommend on people educating themselves about this stuff.

I hope my Q&A has helped you get started on that educational journey.  Good luck to you, imaginary stranger.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

So, it's just passed the middle of pride month, and I've been largely silent, other than a few retweets or reposting on various social media platforms.

There is a reason for that, other than asexual erasure.  The fact is that I don't really feel like this is my month, so to speak.  Asexuals, other than erasure and other relatively mild inconveniences like not being believed or pathologised (fuck you, writers of House for that episode, by the way), haven't had it all that bad.  We're not denied employment because we identify as asexual, unlike our homosexual and transsexual kin.  We're generally not jailed, stoned, or spat on.  We live relatively comfortable lives and, while not generally accepted, we're also not deliberately maligned and discriminated against.  Pride, for me at least, is a celebration of continued existence, in spite of the discrimination and the violence.  For a heteroromantic ace like myself, I've not faced that discrimination, nor the violence, thankfully.

This isn't to say that I haven't faced my own struggles because of this.  Prior to my early thirties, when I discovered that asexuality was a thing, and it was a thing that was common enough that it had a name, and a community, I was wondering around the world feeling broken.  Something was off with me.  Wrong.  I was all wrong.  This was especially egregious in my teens, when being even a little different is enough to have the whole world on your back about it.  Isolation, depression, and suicidal ideation were my constant companions because of it.  It wasn't the only reason, mind, but it was a major factor.  Finding out that I wasn't alone, and that I wasn't broken was the best thing to ever happen to me.

So, I came out.  I didn't think it would be a big deal.  In a series of posts that explained my trauma from growing up asexual and not understanding what that was, or that was even a thing people can be, and educated those who might not be aware of asexuality and what it's about, I made it known that I am asexual.  Actually, I'm demisexual/grey, but since the next result is the same, and I don't have the patience to explain to that random dude asking for my number when I'm on the bus headed to training what that means, I default to asexual.  Sorry random dude, your chances are really, really slim.  And it's totally just me.  I'm sure you're lovely.

Strangely, while most of my friends were wonderful about it all, this news was met with a lot of blow back.  What I had thought was so obvious, what I had thought would be met with "Ooooooh! That explains all the years of not-dating and all the odd behaviour when she was a kid.  It makes so much sense!" (because that's exactly what happened in my brain.  It all just clicked), was in fact, met with incredible resistance and hostility from surprising corners.  From the places in my life that had been advertised as loving and safe.  Instead, I was disbelieved, condescended to, pathologised, rejected.  I was informed that I was, in fact, utterly broken and in need of fixing, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

The trauma from these encounters runs deep.  I haven't quite processed it, yet, and so talking about it is difficult.  That is another reason for my relative silence this month.  It still hurts to talk about.  It wouldn't nearly be as difficult if it had been a barrage of hate from strangers.  But it wasn't.  It was from people previously close, whom I loved very much.  I say loved, I mean, I still do.  Not past tense, but, I've had to cut them from my life.  My mental health was being destroyed.  I'm still hurt.  I'm still really, really angry.

To be honest, I understand the confusion.  We live in a world obsessed with sex, and by extension, sexuality.  The absence of sexuality must appear absurd in a world where sex dominates literally everything.  It's so far out of the "normal" experience, I understand that folks just won't understand it.  But you don't need to understand something in order to accept it.  Also, I got really, really, really fucking good at passing as "normal" (read here: sexual).  This cannot be a surprise.  Sex saturates everything in the world.  It's in our advertising, in all our media, on the tips of people's tongues everywhere.  It took some studying, but I figured out, eventually, how "normal" people  behave.  I got really good at mimicking it.  That isn't to say I picked it up right away.  There was a lot of stumbling around.  I overcompensated - a lot.  But I eventually figured it out.

And I use that learned skill set to this day.  I can tell a sex joke like the best of them.  I can be just as inappropriate as the next person.  So my asexuality may appear to be a deceit.  In fact the opposite is true.  The jokes and comments are the deceit.  They're the armour I fashioned to protect myself from the "normal" world, to hide my brokenness.  Now that I know I'm not broken, just different, I still enjoy a good sexual joke or two.  I don't think that will change.

So, this month I've been kinda quiet.  I regret that a little.  I think visibility is so very important.  If asexuality had been more visible when I was growing up, I could have avoided a great deal of pain, I think.  Perhaps those who are less accepting of me might have been a bit more, if they had been exposed to asexuality at all.

It's just that I'm hurting a bit, and I really didn't feel like starting another fight with the world.

Until now.  I'm rested.  I'm aware of how important representation is.  I'm ready to battle on behalf of those who still feel alone and broken.

Also, I don't expect anyone who has given me grief in the past to pay any attention to me now, so it's relatively safe for me to uncurl for a bit.  This post explains my silence up until now.  Tomorrow's post will explain my understanding of asexuality ('cause this one is too long as it is), and some broader things to bear in mind.  If that's not your jam, I don't care.

Right, I have another blog post to write.  Have a great day, and to my LGBTQA+ friends and family, hugs.  I'm here if you need some support with all the shittiness in the world.  I'll fight with you.

​Ciao!