So, I've been doing a lot of thinking. That's rarely a good idea. If I think too much, I get depressed... Not that I could get any more depressed to be honest.
I'm not angry any more. Now I'm just sad. It's a struggle to find things to smile about at the moment, but there is a lot out there that does.
My family and friends, for example. They consistently make me smile. Last night after training, I came home to find this on my bed:
It made me smile last night when all I wanted to do was drown in tears.
There are things that I sometimes deliberately seek out when I'm feeling down. Bits by the Irish comedian Dara O'Briain is one such thing. Whenever I'm feeling upset, I just go looking for clips of him on YouTube and in seconds I'm laughing so hard my stomach cramps. Here's one of my favourite clips of his:
Russell Howard's Good News is another thing that makes me smile. Russell Howard is a fabulous young British comedian with a great show that makes fun of things that happened in the news. He always ends his show with a segment called It's not all doom and gloom, in which he highlights humanity's more beautiful moments: a man rescuing feral kittens during a flood, with feral cat mamma sitting on his shoulder. Or a blind boy who has managed to learn how to use echo location to not only tell where an object is, but what it's made of (not even joking about that. It was incredible). Or the story of a girl who had no friends until a stray golden retriever puppy was adopted into her family, and now she and the dog are best buds, and the dog has helped her to be able to socialise with her peers. Now she has tonnes of friends.
I frakkin' love that segment.
Then there are other things. The smell of lilacs on the breeze as you walk past a park. Birdsong waking you up gently at ridiculously early in the morning. A cat waking you up by decided that your pendant is food, and how careful he is not to take a bite out of you. Cat cuddles late at night before the house settles down to sleep.
Beautiful dusk skies during an evening walk.
There is so much out there. So much beauty. So much joy.
I am so grateful for it all.
Even in the bleakest moments there is happiness to be found, if we but look.