Good afternoon, Readers!

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Man, it felt good to type the above sentence. How are you all?

Things are weird here for me, but it’s coming along. I taught my first lesson at the university last week. I think I spoke far too quickly. I get too excitable when I’m talking all things Celt, and I got carried away, I think. I will endeavour to speak more slowly this evening. No guarantees, though, as I just find this all so interesting and tend to vomit words in my excitement to share it.

​I know. I know.

There is more teaching to be done. This weekend sees my return to teaching martial arts.

It has been nearly two years since I last led a class. The the before times, I taught women’s only kickboxing, kung fu and weapons. It loved teaching it almost as much as I love training it myself. I’ve made some incredible friends through martial arts - both training and teaching.

With Covid restrictions put in place, it’s going to be a drastic change to the way I normally teach, which is going to be tough, I think, but not impossible. I’ll be so pleased to get back at it. I only wish I didn’t work three jobs (four, if we include my writing), so I actually had the time to train and write and look after my students for both teaching gigs the way I want to.

Oh well. One day maybe my writing will pay off and I can abandon the job that is eating the entirety of my days and not starve to death on the streets.

Anyway, I’m anxious to return to training. Since I just don’t have the time to until maybe next year, I’ll content myself with teaching kickboxing. I’ll probably get to throw at least a few punches and kicks while I’m teaching.

In anticipation of the return to training, I’ve once again started weight training. I mean, I only have one day a week I can do it, currently - Tuesdays - which I’ve taken off my regular work to attend to university matters. My first session was this morning, and boy have I ever lost literally all my strength. It’s particularly bad on my left side. I struggled at just 20lbs. Despite the hit to my ego, it felt really good to get back at training, and I’m resolved to reacquire that lost strength. It will be slow and painful, particularly since I only have Tuesdays, and only for as long as the good weather holds.

Slowly. Ever so slowly, I’m finding myself again.

And one day, I won’t have to spend time in an office chair; save for my own, writing for a living. For now, I’ll take what scraps of time I have.

Right, I have a lecture to finish animating. There’s a class to teach tonight.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

First, I know I haven't been blogging in a long, long while. I would like to apologise, especially if it was something you enjoyed or looked forward to. I couldn't find the time or energy, and I'm still struggling with finding them. Also, most of what I would have blogged about would have been pretty down. I'm still trying to get my feet under me. I'm making progress, but it's a struggle, and you don't need my lamenting about my life all over the place.

But today I have some good news I just really wanted to share with you. A bit late, since it starts today, but whatever.

I was offered, and have accepted, a position at the University of Ottawa to teach a class. I will be teaching the Introduction to the Celtic World class.

I'm incredibly pleased to share this news. Celtic Studies is my academic love. I studied it in university, and if funds were not such an issue, I would still be pursuing it, I think. I'm really happy to be jumping back into it, and sharing something that I am so incredibly passionate about with my students.

Now, this is not a permanent position. I'm basically just doing it while the professor who usually takes the class is on sabbatical. It'll be a one term thing. It's highly unlikely that I'll be switching jobs.

If I could get some sort of long-term security and earn enough, I totally would. In a heartbeat.

Like I said, I'm really over the moon. And also really incredibly stressed. Despite working solidly in my spare time (still working 40hrs a week at my real job), I’m not feeling even remotely prepared for what I’m about to do.

Still, I promised myself to say yes to more opportunities. Even if it’s scary (which this is). So I said yes, and here I am, preparing to teach a class in a university about a thing I absolutely love. It’s been and will continue to be a lot of work. I’m hoping that this might lead to other, better opportunities. Or it might lead to nothing at all. Even if that’s the case, I’ll still have had a pretty rad experience.

Of course, there are a number of issues that this good news has brought up that I'm working through. Imposter syndrome is strong with this one. I don't have a doctorate, and though I continually read up on the subject, and pursue it academically just for my own edification, that fact does plague me some. If I hadn't been priced out of further academic studies, I'd be working on at least my second. I do have to remind myself constantly that I'm a published author, and I deserve this thing, and plenty of published authors sought and seek jobs teaching at a university. I know my stuff, and I think I'll be a good teacher... but boy am I terrified that I'll be found a fraud and laughed out of the classroom.

The other thing I'm currently wrestling with is related to my depression. There's a voice in the back of my head, and its waiting there to gloat when this all falls through my fingers; gold turned to dust. I'm tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be told that I won't get this thing that I'm excited about after all, or that I'll find out that teaching this class is actually a special kind of hell, and it will leave me more broken and depressed.

I'm trying to work through it. This is a really big deal, and a good opportunity, and I should be celebrating (I am... but there's that little darkness in the back of my mind).

Anyway, despite my brain being a giant dick about this, I'm super stoked, and I can't wait to get stuck in and share the world I fell in love with so long ago.

Wish me luck! I'm going to need it.

Good morning, Readers!

I’ve heard it said that the lotus is a symbol of perseverance; that the muddiest water produces the most beautiful blooms. I suppose it’s supposed to be something like the fiercest fire forges the strongest blade, or something with a similar intent.

But here’s the thing about that which immediately struck me:

The lotus blooms because that mud has everything it needs to produce beautiful flowers. That mud contains the life-giving nutrients required to give that blossom the best shot at a beautiful life. Mud might look messy, but it harbours all the plants needs to succeed.

Adversity isn’t that. It isn’t a messy-but-nutrient-rich environment. It is marked by the absence of things. The absence of the basics required for life. The absence of the security required to create. There is no energy for blossoms if it all the plant can do is cling precariously to life. Blossoms require a lot of energy to create. If a plant is under environmental stress, it will forgo blooming, or the flowers will be sub-par, until a season hits with more favourable conditions. A lotus cannot bloom if its seed is planted in the cracks of a concrete road.

A person’s potential is lost when that person must devote all of their time, their energy, and their mental capacity to simply surviving. There is nothing left over. There will be no flowers.

I cannot be the lotus. Not currently.

I cannot even aspire to be the lotus.

But one day, one day, I will bloom with all the fuck you energy of a dandelion.

Ciao.


​

Good morning, Readers!

Part of my mental health issues of late, I'm fairly certain, is the fact that everything feels so wildly out of control for me.

I was an idiot to choose to try for a career in a field that requires so much luck (fiction author. It's not for those who need stability in their lives). I've never really been lucky.

I'm trying so hard to find some sort of handhold as I freewheel through this existence. I have a full-time job which... has provided me with the means to keep myself sheltered and fed, but I'm not satisfied with my current situation.

So, I've bought a couple of books to try and find that control of my own life I so desperately need while continuing to fight my rotten luck in the hopes of landing and being supported by my dream job (fiction writer).​ The steps are coming slowly, but I am making them.

Yesterday, I sent some emails enquiring after prices for headshots. They're all fairly pricey, actually, but maybe having something really professional will help me in my goals. It also gives the impression of some measure of control. I'm doing something that may help me achieve my goals.

It's better than doing nothing. It's something.

When I get all the responses from the photographers, I'll make a decision, pay the costs, and then get professional headshots done. I aim to do this before the month is out.

Now that I've done the thing (took me long enough), it's on to reading the next chapter of the book I'm using as a guide to help me get to where I want to be in my writing career.

It's better than nothing.

Wish me luck.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Once again, I have failed to keep up with my blogging.

It's generally a safe bet that when I'm not blogging, it's because I'm struggling with my mental health. This was, in fact, the case these past few days.

One of the hallmarks of my struggle is incredible fatigue. Usually, I write a blog post the night before (now that I don't have any part of my mornings free), and schedule it for the next morning. I've not managed to do that in a long while. I was too exhausted. I'd come home, lie down in bed, and not move again until the next morning except for to maybe shower and try to take care of myself.

It's not good. It wasn't good.

But it was the best I could manage.

I'm a little better today, and hopefully I'll be getting better for a little while yet. It seems my spirals are coming in much more frequently and for a lot longer than they had been previously.

I am taking steps, however, to try and mitigate it.

I've recently started meditation. I cannot do it on my own, so I've opted for guided meditations available for free on YouTube. I always opt for the ones that are designed not just to calm, but to uplift. It has helped a little. I aimed to do them daily, but... well... like most things of late, that hasn't happened. The trying is what's important, right?

Anyway, that's where I am right now, mentally.

As for my other things, writing continues, and I've written well past the 150 000 word mark (as evidenced by yesterday's post), and my brain has started to take the draft and fix it up already. There will be more words to add, and I think it might be a lot more episodic than it currently is. So there will likely be a lot of filler words that I will have to nix, too.

This one is vastly different from anything I've written before - not the genre, but the structure.

Editing this one is going to be hell, is what I'm saying.

I'm still researching photographers for my official author headshots. I've not made much progress, but I have given myself a deadline of the end of this week to make the appropriate enquiries, and I hope to have a decision made by the end of the month.

I've started streaming a new game. Immortals: Fenyx Rising is a really cute, fun game, and though I've only done one streaming session, I'm enjoying it immensely. The art style is lovely, and the writing is hilarious. Join me Friday evenings live on Twitch for that.

And that's where I am in the rest of my life.

I hope you're all well. Giant hugs to those of you who are struggling. It's not easy, and you're doing brilliantly, even when it feels like you're not. Right, there are things for me to do now.

Ciao!

Good afternoon, Readers!

I'm very late writing this, for multiple reasons, most of which involve me not having my shite together and writing this last night when I had a bit of time.

This won't be a long post, as I don't have the time.

It's been a while since I posted, and I'll be talking about it tomorrow. For now, though, I should let you know that despite my lack of posting here, I have been writing. Not a lot. But I have been consistently hitting my target.

I can't remember where I was the last time I posted an update, but here is where I am now:

Got past the 150K word mark last week, and it felt pretty good. I'm still writing, and there will be more words to add in the edits.

My brain is filling in a lot of the details that I glossed over when I started writing this thing. I'm actually quite excited to get to the editing for a couple of reasons. 1. It'll mean that I've finally finished writing this thing. 2. There are a lot of details and slight changes to make that I think will really make this story sing (or, at least, make it so much stronger than it is now).

Right, that is all I have for you today. I have to go now.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

So, a while ago, I wrote a lot about my frustration with how little I’ve managed to gain traction as a writer in the world. I talked a lot about how so much of this is down to chance. But a lot of it is also a personal failing of mine.

I don’t know how to market. I don’t know what to do to broaden my reach, to have folks give my book a chance, I’m not a groundbreaking writer. But I’m not terrible, either (I think). My stories are decent. I honestly think that if people gave them a chance, they’d perform pretty well. I need to figure out a way to get my work out there, get people reading it, talking about it (word of mouth is the best marketing, after all).

Acknowledging that I was partly to blame, instead of cursing my terrible luck (listen, I’ve never been particularly lucky), I bought myself a book to begin trying to teach myself how to market ... without being a pain in the arse. There’s nothing I hate more than the feeling that someone is trying to sell me something, and I didn’t and don’t want to be that person, you know?

Anyway, I have taken my time with this one, as there are three other books I’m currently reading - one about metaphysics and the occult (it’s fascinating to me) and the other being fiction. I’ve actually finished a fiction book already and I’m onto my second. More about that later, as I have some thoughts on it. As it stands, I have had this book for a month and I’ve only just now finished the first section.

It talked about having a professional author headshot.

I don’t have one.

I have a couple of photos of me, which I’ve been using, but they aren’t professional headshots. They’re just random photos.

I do so hate photos of myself. But I did promise I’d do what I could to give my writing the best chance possible.  I decided that I would follow the recommendations in this book to a T as long as they made sense to me. So, professional headshots it is.

As it happens, I don’t know where to look for that, or even what I’d want for a professional shot. I’d want it to reflect me, obviously. It is considered unprofessional to have a photo with one of my swords, covered in paint and surrounded by books? Because that is pretty much me in a nutshell.

*sigh*

While I contemplate the kind of headshot I want, I’m putting out feelers for a photographer. I am, of course, absolutely going to pay - work and skill has value, and I have a weird compulsion to ensure that value is recognised and paid, but though I’m working and have some income, not a lot of it is disposable. So I’m looking for someone at a reasonable price in the Ottawa area.

If you’re a photographer specialising in headshots, or you know of one, drop your details/recommendations in the comments, and I’ll add you/them to my research list.

Thanks for your help. I’m off to start researching photographers and price lists.

Ciao!