Good morning, Readers!

I am on hold with Service Canada as I write this (it's actually Monday), trying desperately to update my direct deposit information so I can apply for my CERB replacement. It's a mess. I was told I could do it online when I called over the weekend, but the site is still not functional, so I'm on hold. It will be an hour or so yet, so I'm hoping to get this blog post written and maybe some packing done while I wait.

Laughs. Sobs.

Anyway, I had a post for today. It was a great be long post about how awful I was feeling. What I great failure I was. The mood, still occurring, was brought on by the colossal stress of having no job, no prospects, and being financially stressed, as well as watching all my friends buying houses and or settling into loving relationships. I don't know if I even want a relationship, but I really felt... feel.. I was... am... missing out - failing at another of life's milestones.

I'm still feeling like shit about it all. Normally I feel better when I get it all out of my system. But writing it all down in a blog post as I normally do did nothing to ease the mood as it normally does. All it did was put more negativity out in the world. The world is already so negative. We don't need my moping about to make it worse.

So I deleted that blog post, and am writing this one instead. This is just to let you all know that I might be going dark for a little while. I'll be moving most of my big stuff today, which probably includes my computer. It will take me a bit to get it all moved and set up, so I'm not going to be around, either on my blog or the internet in general. No great loss, I know. I'm not exactly a social media wizard.

I'm not vanishing forever. I'll be back once I'm all moved and set up and stuff. Hopefully that won't be long.

See you all on the other side.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Not too long ago, I noticed that the University of Glasgow was offering a Master's in Fantasy, which, frankly, is firkin' amazing, and I would move to Scotland in a heartbeat so long as I had the guarantee of a place to live, and I could bring Galahad with me easily. I researched it anyway, hoping they offered a way to do it distance education; particularly since we're in the age of the 'Rona.

Alas, no.

They do, however, offer a Masters of Literature in Creative Writing, which looks fantastic, and I'd love to do it.

There is, of course, a giant however.

However, they do not offer the course part time for distance education. Which means that I would have to be able to afford full-time international tuition fees and I would not be able to study effectively while working full time, which I'd need to do to have shelter and eat, since I would need the time for my classes and the various forms of assessment necessary to complete the degree. In short, I would need roughly 55287.86CAD to cover tuition and living expenses. This amount does not cover the cost of materials (text books and whatnot).

I'm really quite sad about it. I cannot plunge myself into student debt again. It almost killed me. So a loan is out of the question. I don't think I'd be able to recover financially taking out a loan of that amount at this stage of my life. The scholarships on offer wouldn't cover nearly enough, and I've missed them in any case (if I wanted a January 2021 start).

So, well, there goes that idea.

Lordy, the things I would do if money was no object.

Sigh.

Right, I'm off to dream about impossible things!

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Just a quick blog post to let you all know that I'm still alive and kicking. I've not been doing much save alternating between packing, moping, and stressing out. Moving really is the worst.

I'm also wondering how to try and make it as a freelancer. It seems impossible to me. But so many folks I know do it successfully. Granted, they've got far more marketable skills than I do. So there's that.

Le sigh.

I'm so stressed guys. Not the move, really. I've made peace with that, though I still hate moving and will always complain about that! It's the financial uncertainly that's turning my stomach. Joblessness is by far a worse stressor than moving. If I could just get a job, even a part time one so long as it covers my necessities. A part time retail job won't do it. I can't survive on part time minimum wage. It has to be a better paying job if I'm going to make it.

This train of thought, which I'm sure you're sick of hearing about (try living with it) consumes to better part of my mental and emotional energy. I can't write. I can't draw. Basically all I've managed to do is watch British comedy panel shows (they're usually clever, wry and very funny), play mindless match games on my phone, and cuddle the cat.

I'm really hoping that once I'm settled into the new place, I'll be able to relax a little bit. I know I have EI (though I hate that CERB is ending. So many people still need the help), which will buy me some time, but little comfort... and I think Canada does have a welfare system, which I might need to utilize if things get very desperate.

I've not been on welfare. In Australia, I took advantage of their youth allowance (which I don't even know if they still have. I left Australia a very long time ago). I'm sure that I could scrape by if I was on it here in Canada. But I also don't want to be. I don't want to be counting pennies to see if I can use the washer and dryer in the basement this week, or if I'll have to skip on buying that bread so I can keep clean.  I have no idea how to navigate the Canadian welfare system, and I hope I never find out.

The thought really does a number on me. I'm sure it's not as bad as my imagination is making it out to be. I'm certain I could scrape by... just. But that's not the life I imagined for myself when I was little.

Anyway, I feel like I'm complaining far too much, so I'm going to shut up now and retire to the couch to watch some British telly before heading upstairs to make sure that my bedroom is ready to be moved next week. Bedroom first, then office/studio, then myself and the cat.

Then I'll be settled in and things will be looking better.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Just let me gush about this photo for a moment. It's gorgeous.

Autumn is my favourite time of the year. It's a season of change (and boy are there changes this autumn!), and it usually feels so promising to me. It still feels that way, despite everything. Every autumn I feel like good things are coming.

Snow, obviously, I quite like.

I don't understand why the changing leaves and cooling weather do that too my mood - fill me with hope. Objectively, nothing remarkable has ever come my way following the autumn, and all that calm and hope appears to be for naught.

And still, every year, as the weather cools and the leaves change, I find myself feeling so hopeful about what's to come. I'm trying to hold onto that feeling, because if I think too hard about my uncertain financial situation, then I start to get depressed again.

I have to say, speaking to the Amazing Flatmate has been good. She's a freelancer, and she's always managed. Hearing her experience, plus her general air of reassurance puts me more at ease. Still, without CERB, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it. I have EI. But what if it runs out? A thousand thoughts and stressors run through my mind pretty much all the time.

And yet.

Yet today I'm feeling hopeful, as I watch the trees change colour and welcome the change in weather. Maybe I'll be alright after all. At least, that's how I feel this morning.

Thanks, autumn.

Right, back to packing. 

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

I am pleased to report that my depression has lifted considerably, and I'm doing much better this week than I have in a while. The upcoming change is still terrifying, my joblessness is still mortifying, and I don't really do so well with all this uncertainty in the world, but - and this is the important thing - the yawning chasm has loosened it's grip.

While I don't appreciate the move, I am getting excited about having a studio - a space in which I get to work on my art and craft that is separate from the regular living space and isn't in my bedroom. I'm stressed about not having a job, but I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to build freelance/independent streams of income that will hopefully be able to keep me afloat, even if it's not entirely traditional.

The job hunt is on hold while I'm packing and preparing to move. It will resume in November, I think (or late October). In the meantime, I want to try out a few ideas and see where they go. Of course my editing stuff isn't doing anything. But to be fair, I'm not advertising it, either, so there's that. It's just there.

There are a few things that I need/want that I'll be spending money on in the coming days.

• ​A new mattress. I'm in desperate need. My old mattress is very old and needed replacing a long while ago.  I'm looking at getting an Endy. I've heard good things about them.
• A small computer desk. I don't actually have one. While in quarantine, I've been using a lap to put my keyboard on, my focus mitt as a mousepad, and my monitor is resting on a pile of large books on a side table.  A computer desk with some draws for my shite will be a very welcome change.
• Two bookshelves. My two are on the verge of collapse and I think it's time they were replaced. If I could afford it, I'd go for a couple of solid wood ones, but since I can't, it's to Ikea I shall go.
• A printer. I need this for my leather work. Bonus points if it has a scanner for my smaller art pieces so I don't have to worry about taking photos.
• A drafting table. This is more of a want, rather than a need, but I found one on the Staples website that I quite like, and I'll be getting it as a treat for myself.

Yesterday I spent some time clearing out the two high shelves that are in my bedroom closet. I threw out a tonne of stuff and set the other stuff aside to either give away or pack. Today, I shall be clearing out the rest of the closet. Most of everything there will be thrown away. I've not opened that closet in a number of years. I clearly don't need anything I've got in there. I think maybe one dress and my tennis racquet are all that shall be saved.

Packing for a move, I suppose, is a great way to force yourself to downsize. I don't know why I was holding onto the stuff I held on to. None of it was useful. They did not, as Ms. Kondo would say, bring me joy.

Right, I've more packing to do, so I'm off.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Good morning, Readers!

People have been talking a lot in my various socials about Universal Basic Income. As someone that worked full time in the before-times for minimum wage and was always stressed by money, it is absolutely something that I've been dreaming about. I've heard arguments from every corner about it. Some argue that Universal Basic Income could never work because people would take advantage of it and just never work.

That might be true. Though, actually, in the places where it's been trialled, it appears that that is not actually the case. People on universal income continue to work. But they are healthier. We all know mental health impacts our physical health. Imagine a world where it's possible to fail at something without it destroying your life. Imagine failing; falling down, but the bottom actually still means you can eat, and have shelter. You have the space to breathe, pick yourself up and try again.

One of my favourite things I've seen surrounding the UBI argument that folks simply wouldn't work anymore is the simple response of, "Good."

And it had me thinking a lot about what makes a person valuable, and, to narrow the scope, what makes me valuable. In short, if UBI was a thing, and if I was a recipient, what would I do? How would I exist in the world if the continual stress of not having money, and having no job whatsoever, didn't persistently keep me up at night, or sobbing at random intervals in the day?

Would I work?

Well, yes. I would work for an hourly wage part time, probably in the service industry or in administration, I think, because I feel like I could use the interaction, have the appropriate skills, and I genuinely enjoy being helpful.

I would certainly continue to teach martial arts. It's a passion, and I really enjoy it.

I would use the rest of my time to try and build up my custom, luxury handmade leather items business. It would be a struggle to get it off the ground, but I would be afforded the time to work carving and sewing leather, drumming up business and attending markets. It isn't work that would, at first, bring in an awful lot of income, but it might, one day, if I'm afforded the time and resources to work at it.

I would continue the work of writing fiction. This, too, is not work that generates a lot of income (yet? Ever, likely), but it is work. Just because I'm not paid well for the work doesn't mean I'm not working. Is my worth to society really nothing because most of my labour in this sphere is unpaid?

But my contributions wouldn't really end there. With a little extra time on my hands, and my mental health not overly burdened by financial stress, I'd have the capacity to volunteer. I'm not just talking about the time here. My ability to cope is finite. I can't handle the burden of volunteering (particularly for difficult volunteer positions that require a great deal of empathy and emotional energy) if I'm also bursting into tears every three seconds because I'm stressed about not having a job, and wondering if I'm going to be homeless in the next little while.

I would continue my work as an artist. Currently, despite folks relying so heavily on the arts in these times as a means to cope, some think that the arts aren't a worthwhile thing to invest time into, being seen as frivolous or a luxury. But it absolutely is necessary. Both the practice of it and the consumption of it are the only things keeping many people sane in these times, as well as in better times. That has value. It should be valued. And who knows? With UBI, folks might have a bit more money to invest in art and artists, and it wouldn't be seen as a waste of money - particularly if people don't have to choose between paying their rent or buying a piece of art that speaks to their souls.

All of these things are work. They're work that I either haven't the capacity for now, or won't have the time or energy for once I'm gainfully employed again. These things are work that don't currently pay much, or at all, in the case of volunteering.

Truly, I do not think I'd be alone in this regard. I do think that more people would be employed - part time positions don't cover the bills, but are often the only work folks can get, and any income generated by them negatively impacts whatever shoddy financial support people do receive. And if folks don't need to work all the time, there will be greater capacity for volunteering. I expect I would see an uptick of volunteers if UBI was implemented. People do want to contribute to the societies in which they live.

Anyway, would what I'm describing here constitute as gaming the system? Would I be taking advantage of it? Some people might say that, yes, actually, I totally would be. But I don't think that's the case. A person is worth more to society than whatever income they can drag in from their employment. And just imagine how wonderful it might be to have a world in which folks can fearlessly pursue their dreams, volunteer in their communities... and imagine how much money could be made for the economy if folks went out to lunch with friends a little more frequently because they had both the time and the funds to do so, or if they could take a trip to a local market to support local farmers and artisans that might have set up there, because they had both the time and funds to do so.

I know UBI is a pipe dream. The current situation permits employers to treat and pay their staff terribly, knowing that many will feel too trapped to quit for fear of failing and falling into ruin, and those in power like this arrangement far too much.

But I'm seeing a better future, where communities prosper, and folks are healthier and so much happier. A pipe dream, I know. But it's currently all I have.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a good sob.

​Ciao.