My long, long mission to get myself together has proven to be longer and far more difficult than I had imagined. I find I'm struggling a little bit. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but it's not easy.
Changes I'm trying to make include trying to heal my relationship with food. I've been chubby since it mattered (puberty wasn't all that kind to me), and I've been trying to rectify that for a long while. At first, I made the mistake of cutting so many calories that I was essentially on a starvation diet (hovering around 900 calories a day). All this did was screw up my metabolism, and cause binge-eating episodes. I didn't gain an awful lot of weight, but I didn't lose any, either.
A few years ago, after years and years of frustration and more thorough research, I realised I had made a terrible mistake. Were you aware that 1200 calories is the amount of food that toddlers are supposed to eat? An adult person should be eating around 2000 calories in order to sustain themselves. So, I set about rectifying that; trying to increase the amount of food I'm eating in a healthy way.
I didn't lose any chub, but I did find that there was a great increase in my energy levels (not enough to replace my ever-present fatigue) and an improved performance in my physical endeavours. So, that was a bonus.
I started walking to and from work (roughly 50 minutes each way, if I'm being a bit lazy). I've been doing it for a few months now. It hasn't helped.
Last week, I started doing yoga before bed. It's nothing that gets me sweaty, and I'm focussing on a routine that concentrates on my lower body in an effort to reduce my back pain, and get my hips and back of my legs feeling looser. I'm not expecting this to help with my weightloss, but I am hoping it'll help with my backpain and bring down my stress, which will help my sleep.
I'm trying to up my protein intake, because I'm told it helps women in particular. I'm finding this difficult, but I'm trialling a food-delivery company that has a high-protein menu. I figure if I can see what a high-protein meal looks like, I can do better at preparing my own when I cancel my meal subscription (which I will, because it's expensive AF).
I still train martial arts three times a week - personal training twice, and teaching once.
None of this is making a difference, really. In fact, the opposite seems to be happening. I tried putting on my jeans a couple of nights ago, and... well... it was a struggle.
I don't know what else to do, really. Once my nightly yoga becomes routine, instead of something I have to consciously force, I'm going to try and add a couple of weight sessions a week. I like feeling strong, I'd like to one day look strong.
But my physicality is only one thing I'm trying to work on. I'm trying to fill my life with things that bring me joy - playing music, painting, leathercraft... But this is also proving stupidly difficult. You see, I work full time, as well as teach on the weekends, while I'm also trying to make a real go of my writing. Then there's a bunch of other things I'm doing to help with Renaissance Press...
There's not enough time in the day. And when I at last return home from the job that actually pays my bills, I'm too exhausted to do the things that light up my soul. I'm lucky if I can even do the things I need to do to keep the house. All I can do I just about lie comatose on my chair and cuddle the cat. It's frustrating, and crushing. Not the cuddling part. I quite enjoy cuddling the cat. But the rest of it is.
I just want to be able to spent a couple of minutes playing my guitar. I want to stand for a couple of hours at my drafting table or easel. Or have more than fifteen minutes during a too-short lunch hour to get in as many words on a book as I can. But I'm just too wiped out by the things I have to do, that I can never do the things I want to.
To be honest, I'm feeling kind of defeated today. I will probably feel a bit better tomorrow. In fact, I know that I will be feeling much better tomorrow. But today, I'm looking ahead and it's looking pretty grey. But baby steps. Incremental additions until they become habit and they don't take as much energy to get done. That's how I plan on creating the life I want.
I'll get there. I just needed to vent today.
Thanks for listening.