In my defence, I was running around yesterday going to interviews. I'm trying to find a job so I can continue to eat and have a roof over my head. It's stressful, and not great. There aren't a lot of jobs out there, and those that I'm qualified for and think I could do well have a tonne of competition. And then there's the issue of having had too much time to think about what I want from life.
And what I want from life seems impossible.
I want the work on my own schedule, with work that I find fulfilling. HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! I feel like that is a dream that I shall never achieve.
To that end, I've been applying to literally every administration job I have even the remotest shot at qualifying for. I've had two interviews so far, but I'm not optimistic that they'll result in anything. Further, while I'll be pleased to be working again, I'm not optimistic that I'll be happy.
I'll have to find happiness and fulfilment elsewhere. Which I normally do; what with my writing and now my painting and leatherwork. I just wish I could do so in a way which would support myself.
But, if wishes were fishes we'd all be fed.
Until I get a job, and some stability back in my life, I imagine my mental health will take a beating, as it is currently. Still, I'm here, and I will find my way through... I hope.
Always in the back of my mind are stories of people who didn't make it through. Those who, despite their best efforts, fell through the cracks into destitution. I know that I have family who won't really let that happen, and I'll at least have the very basics taken care of. Thoughts of having to give up Galahad should it ever come to it pop in and out of my mind. Thanks, anxiety. Having to do so would probably destroy me.
It won't get to it, I don't think.
But my minds does travel sometimes.
In the meantime, I'm applying like crazy. I think once November passes, I'll be broadening the search. I like coffee, and coffee houses will hopefully still be open, and hopefully hiring. Maybe I'll be lucky and get to work in that setting and still be able to go to all my martial arts stuff in the evenings and weekends. Maybe I'll be really lucky and will manage to scrape together enough time and energy to write, paint and do my leather craft.
Today, after the stress of interviews (lord I hate them - I hate being the centre of attention and having to mind everything I'm saying) yesterday, and the fact that I managed to give myself an asthma attack - the first in a very, very long time - when I tried to exercise on Monday, I am taking the day off the job search and instead trying to teach myself how to make a circle in chainmaille for a project I want to have done before Christmas.
It's the only day off I'm giving myself. I need a job. I need to get myself settled and employed and feeling secure again. Only then will I be in the right headspace to start writing again.
Wish me luck, folks!