S.M. Carrière . com
Connect:
  • Home
  • About
  • Titles
    • Daughters Of Britain
    • Dear Father
    • Ethan Cadfael: The Battle Prince
    • Human
    • Skylark
    • The Dying God & Other Stories
    • The Seraphimè Saga >
      • The Summer Bird (v.1)
      • The Winter Wolf (v.2)
    • Your Very Own Adventures >
      • Skara Braens
      • Sky Road Walker
    • WIP Updates
  • Art
  • Other Projects
    • Editing Services
    • Charity Efforts >
      • Gàrradh nan Leannan
      • Have a Heart Campaign
    • Journal
    • Martial Arts
    • Silver Stag Entertainment
    • The Adventures of Grimglum the Nord
    • SMC Awkwardly Plays
  • Shop
    • Books
    • Art Prints
  • Contact

Insecurity

6/4/2016

1 Comment

 
Good morning, Readers!
Picture
Image courtesy of youthvillage.co.za. Click for link.
Here's a confession that should surprise absolutely no one.

I'm incredibly insecure about a lot of things.

Much of it is body image stuff.  There's too much flab on my tummy.  I'm not physically strong enough.  There are too many stretch marks (I grew fast in puberty!).  And the cellulite, oh the cellulite!

But this is about more than a list of reasons why I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini.

Generally speaking, I often feel like I'm not good enough.  In almost all of my endeavours, I am plagued by a sense of frustrated melancholy.  In my weight training, I'm not seeing any increase in strength.  I managed a chin up, which is good, but I haven't been able to do it since.  In writing, I'm still seeking that traditional publishing contract, and seeing my books in an actual store, on actual shelves, for sale...  Le sigh.

This year I decided to make a go of my art, selling prints etc.  Now, I don't think I'm a terrible artist.  I just don't think that I'm that good.  I'm not saying this because I'm craving a cacophony of disagreement with that statement.  I'm just saying what is.

The problem comes when I start to compare my stuff with the art of others.  I mean, look at any of my digital paintings on my Deviant Art page.  Now look at this one:
Picture
Art by Deviant Art user 88grzes. Click for link.
I want to paint like that.

And I can't.  This makes me incredibly sad.  Sometimes I just want to throw everything out and quit.

It's not envy so much, though there is some of that.  I think I'm able to avoid envy because I know just how much work and practice it takes to get good at something like painting.  Being able to paint like Deviant Art user 88grzes takes a lot of work, a lot of practice.. I can imagine that this painting took forever, considering how long it takes me to complete one.

But just look at this painting.  Look at the detail!  Look at it!

Sigh.

More than my writing, the comparison of my art to others really bothers me.  I look at this stuff and just feel so, so sad.

Because I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough to sell any prints.  I'm not good enough to get a publishing contract.  I'm not good enough at hauling my own weight around a gym...

​Don't mind me.  I'm just feeling blue.

Of course I'm not going to stop trying.  I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to; either writing or painting.  Weights... well...

Anyway, what is the one thing you really wish you could magically become brilliant at?

I'm off to practice more painting.

​Ciao!
1 Comment
Jonas Kaufman
6/4/2016 10:58:31 am

Ah self-doubt.... hates it.

Day to day, despite how confident I can seem, I can actually be really socially anxious. I do wish I could lay that aside. I'm getting better at it but it's hard.

But, in the vein of improvement or skills... I love good oratory and thoughtful writing. Speech that can get someone to think to open their mind. Writers like Arron Sorkin, or speakers like Jean-Luc Picard.

I wish I could argue like the way they write/speak.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    S.M. Carrière, a Celtic Studies enthusiast, writes fiction.  And this blog.

    Archives

    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    September 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014

    Categories

    All
    Book Reviews
    Events
    Gaming
    Human
    Life
    Rants
    Reading
    Seraphimè Saga
    Seraphimè Saga
    Skylark
    Television
    Training
    Travels
    Writing
    YouTube

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly