I'm incredibly insecure about a lot of things.
Much of it is body image stuff. There's too much flab on my tummy. I'm not physically strong enough. There are too many stretch marks (I grew fast in puberty!). And the cellulite, oh the cellulite!
But this is about more than a list of reasons why I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini.
Generally speaking, I often feel like I'm not good enough. In almost all of my endeavours, I am plagued by a sense of frustrated melancholy. In my weight training, I'm not seeing any increase in strength. I managed a chin up, which is good, but I haven't been able to do it since. In writing, I'm still seeking that traditional publishing contract, and seeing my books in an actual store, on actual shelves, for sale... Le sigh.
This year I decided to make a go of my art, selling prints etc. Now, I don't think I'm a terrible artist. I just don't think that I'm that good. I'm not saying this because I'm craving a cacophony of disagreement with that statement. I'm just saying what is.
The problem comes when I start to compare my stuff with the art of others. I mean, look at any of my digital paintings on my Deviant Art page. Now look at this one:
And I can't. This makes me incredibly sad. Sometimes I just want to throw everything out and quit.
It's not envy so much, though there is some of that. I think I'm able to avoid envy because I know just how much work and practice it takes to get good at something like painting. Being able to paint like Deviant Art user 88grzes takes a lot of work, a lot of practice.. I can imagine that this painting took forever, considering how long it takes me to complete one.
But just look at this painting. Look at the detail! Look at it!
More than my writing, the comparison of my art to others really bothers me. I look at this stuff and just feel so, so sad.
Because I'm not good enough.
I'm not good enough to sell any prints. I'm not good enough to get a publishing contract. I'm not good enough at hauling my own weight around a gym...
Don't mind me. I'm just feeling blue.
Of course I'm not going to stop trying. I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to; either writing or painting. Weights... well...
Anyway, what is the one thing you really wish you could magically become brilliant at?
I'm off to practice more painting.