The Impossible Dream

As I write this, I am at my father’s place, waiting for a load of laundry to finish washing. Both he and his partner are away at the cottage. It is a “school night,” so I won’t be here for long. Just long enough to take advantage of their free laundry service (with permission, don’t worry!). Then it’s home to make myself a small late dinner, and prepare the lunches for the rest of the week.

This change of scene is quite nice, actually. And the quiet is even better. There is no sound but the distant washing machine in the basement, the ticking of the clock in the dining room where I am currently working, and the soft click of my keyboard.

This feels like the first bit of calm I’ve had in a while, and the first time I can actually unwind. Which is weird, because you would think that would be my apartment, right? Except my apartment is loud - the roar of traffic is right there, and so are the occasional screams of nearby shouting matches between various people. Don’t get me wrong. I’m so incredibly grateful to be able to afford living there on my own… something that I need.

Other people stress me out. A lot.

Still, it’s not as peaceful as where I am now.

I’m feeling a little down (if you hadn’t noticed). Last week wasn’t a great week at work, and I’m feeling… not wonderful. As usually happens when I get like this, I’ve been daydreaming about vanishing into the wild Atlantic - finding an uninhabited island off the coast of Scotland or Ireland, and disappearing, popping back into the world when I have a new book out or something. That’s not feasible of course. You need money to be able to afford solitude.

Part of what has me feeling melancholic is what I spent some time the last couple of weeks working out; which is to say, the numbers I’d need to be able to quit my job and be creative full time.

I would have to somehow acquire 7 500 subscribers at the current tier I have available here on Ko-Fi. That is such a ludicrous number - 7 500 people finding enough worth in what I have to offer at $1.00 a month to send that money my way.

It seems an impossible ask.

There have been those who have suggested I create more tiers here, with greater amounts as a minimum to access them. I’m resistant to the idea. I hate the thought of folks missing out on things I have to offer simply because they cannot afford to part with more funds than they already are generously doing.

I know what it’s like to skip meals, to eat rice and soy sauce for dinner a week straight, to miss out on going out with friends because I simply cannot afford even the bus fair, let alone food and drink. I don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s FOMO, you know?

Ideally, I’d like to offer three separate tiers all at the same price for my three main activities - writing, art, and gaming. Each would be $1.00 a month. Each would come with its own set of specific perks and exclusives.

Ko-Fi currently doesn’t allow for this. I have requested it, but implementation is wildly unlikely. I remain distantly hopeful that they will one day. Not everyone follows me for my writing, you know? Some people are only interested in my art. Or only join me for my gaming stuff. Trying to manage three separate Ko-Fi (or other) pages for each feels onerous. I don’t have it in me. Having something centralised would be much better, I think.

Only if Ko-Fi allowed this would I feel comfortable creating higher tiers. There would be three tiers at $2.00 a month, in case folks were interested in two of my activities (writing+art, writing+gaming, art+gaming). I could even do another tier at $3.00 for those who want the whole package.

​As it stands, that neat little pyramid is not an option.

I am playing around with the option of creating two extra tiers all the same - writing+art, and one for all three, as per the suggestion mentioned previously. The other combinations would just have to wait and hope (as I am) that Ko-Fi will allow for separate tiers at the same price for separate interests… If I decide to do that.

There’s considerable doubt that I’ll be able to, even if I wanted to. I’m working two jobs, one full time, and which relatively recently increased the hours required. I don’t have the time in the day to work on my creative things, and by the time I get home from working all day, I’m mentally exhausted. I’ve been dealing with people all day — which is rough enough for me — and the stress of feeling like I’m always watched, that I have to collapse from burnout before anyone will be satisfied. It’s utterly exhausting. And so I go home with no energy for anything but numbing my mind with television or social media.

Life’s noose feels like it’s tightening. I’ve gotten in trouble, and I’m not in a place where I can walk away. I won’t be unless or until my creative work can support me.

Which, as stated above, feels wildly impossible.

And so…

‘Round and ‘round it goes in my head, and I despair. Not forever, mind. It was all just a bit much last week, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment.

Don’t worry. That will pass.

For now, I’m taking advantage of the peace and calm of a new location to get the work done that needs doing. This blog post, the exclusive one for my Ko-Fi subscribers, one last little tweak of the book cover for The Timbercreek Incident (it will be available for pre-order soon!), and, if I have time, the second sketch for the kind-of commission I got last year.

I need to buy some leather and dye, so I can take advantage of the empty house (with permission, don’t worry!) and work on my leather craft in the evening without fear of upsetting my downstairs neighbours.

And, if that commission works out, I’ll even have some money for a few new canvases, and I can get some of the paintings I want done done.

It’s all I can do for now. Just plodding along while I dream of what might be, if I’m very, very lucky.

Now to get sappy. I’ve received so much encouragement from you, and I am so incredibly grateful. You are constantly putting a smile on my face with your support. So, genuinely, thank you. I don’t think I could ever say it enough.

Alright. I’m done being saccharine. I have another load of laundry to do, and another blogpost to write.

Slán go foill!