Not Going

Good morning, Starlings!

I have a bit of news, that is or isn’t good depending on your perspective. I’ll just cut to the chase. Despite planning to, I won’t be at Ottawa ComicCon this year. I know, I know, devastating, right? I hope you read that as sarcastically as I wrote it.

This news won’t come as a surprise to my Ko-Fi subscribers, who are already aware that I was struggling with the decision to go or not. There are a lot of things I’ve been weighing in my mind with regards to this, so if you have the patience, I’d like to explain.

I’ll start with the obvious. My mental health state is not the best. It’s getting better, but I have not been doing so well managing everything of late. Those who know me know that this isn’t anything new at all. I’ve always struggled with keeping it together. I’m always unprepared for events. I always end up rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get stuff together for an event I knew was coming, yet somehow am always surprised by. This is not different. And people. People stress me out. Lots of people all in one place is terrifying. And lastly, related to the first point, Galahad’s unexpected passing has left me less capable than even before; certainly less capable of showing up and presenting a happy, friendly face as is necessary at conventions.

It’s why I still haven’t live-streamed since his passing.

As usual, this year I was not prepared for Ottawa ComicCon. I do not have the stock of books or the art or the leatherwork stuff to sell or show (for the commission, for example, of custom book covers). This is, of course, entirely my fault. I could have been preparing. I should have been. But somehow, I still find myself surprised that it’s this weekend, and I once again have nothing. I mean… that’s not entirely true. I do have some things. But not the things I wanted. Not the things I promised myself I’d have ready when I finished ComicCon last year. I’m angry at myself for it. I hate that I’m so unable to function. I’m trying hard to be better. But this is work that takes a while for results to show.

My apartment, for example, is in a much better state than it has been in quite a while. My bedroom is clean and tidy, and rearranged and I am sitting at my dressing table writing this at the moment. It’s a lovely space to hang out now. Which took a lot of work. And there’s more work around the apartment to do.

I’m also writing this post well ahead of when it’s due, which makes a nice change. Usually I’m up late the night before scrambling to get things done before they’re supposed to go out.

But this is stuff you don’t really see. And I suspect it’ll be a while before any of my efforts to pull myself together and get myself at least functional are seen by the outside world. And even then, it’ll probably be a subtle thing. A fully stocked table at a convention. A more relaxed set of the shoulders. Easier smiles. Maybe even clothes that are ironed.

So prepping for something like Ottawa ComicCon has been a difficult thing for me to achieve. Because my brain is an arsehole. Realising that it was this weekend made me even angrier at myself. For some reason, I thought it was the following weekend, and I was going to have time to do things to get ready. I am finally feeling like I have the ability to get things ready.

Again, that failing is mine. I should have had a better grip on times and dates. I should be better organised and prepared. But I struggle with it and always have.

The anxiety over getting ready for ComicCon has been amplified by the anxiety surrounding large crowds. I don’t mind people at all. Individually, you are all lovely. In crowds, however, you are absolutely terrifying. I am always glad to hide behind my desk at Ottawa ComicCon. That little bit of extra space is helpful. This year, my anxiety about large crowds is particularly strong. Part of that, I know, is grief.

There are moments when it hits quite suddenly, and I go from perfectly fine to sobbing in the blink of an eye. I can’t be around people and be like that, too. And while it was arranged that I’d be around friends at ComicCon (the lovely folks at the tables beside me), I can’t really ask them to be my crutch when they themselves have so much going on. And will also have to try and sell their stuff. It’s not right.

Many of you, subscribers or not, know that I have been wavering on Ottawa ComicCon for a couple of years now. When costs for local artists was lower, and convention goers seemed more interested in local and small-scale creators, I could make the costs back with just a few book sales. It was alright. But fewer and fewer people seem to buy books, and the cost of tables for artists has grown exponentially, and attending year after year has been more and more difficult to justify; most especially since I am an unknown still, and struggle to sell books anyway. With no new titles until next year, I feel that those who would buy books from me already have them all, and those who don’t aren’t really interested in what I have on offer anyway.

I know that even fully stocked, I would not make back what the table cost. And with so many more expenses this year… including a horrendous vet bill… I couldn’t really justify attendance anymore.

I am really sad to not be going. I have met so many wonderful folks at ComicCon. I love it when people stop by my table for a chat, even if they don’t buy. It’s always a bonus if they have read something of mine and just came up to say hi. It always makes my entire weekend. And I do love getting to hang out with my friends all weekend.

Mostly, I’m really sad to disappoint anyone who was hoping I’d be there. I’m so sorry. I really wish I had the capacity this year, but I just don’t. I’m not sure I will for a while yet.

I do not expect to return to Ottawa ComicCon as a vendor in the near future. I think that in order to get myself better, I have to shrink my world for a while, and when I feel I can do everything I’m currently doing with relative ease, then I will consider returning. But until then, I’m going to try and focus on book-specific events, trying to get my next titles out into the world, and on myself.

I want to especially apologise to and thank Jen, who organised the entire row of vendors, including myself, and on whom I bailed the last minute. The kindness she showed me with this decision is nothing short of angelic. I’m sorry, Jen. And also, thank you so much for being so wonderful about it.

I hope you all have an outstanding weekend. Go and have a blast. Let your nerd flags fly proud. I can’t wait to hear the stories.

Slán go foill!