Good morning, Readers.
I am slowly returning to normal. I’ve spent two weekends away from the apartment, and it’s helped a lot. Of course, as I prepare to return as of the writing of this (Sunday evening), I’m starting to get sad and anxious again.
The news isn’t helping. Al Jazeera’s entire news crew in Gaza has confirmed to have been killed. I read a headline that said many AI tech CEOs are choosing not to have children because they’re of the mind that there won’t be a world for them… in part because of how destructive AI is. Make that make sense. Democracy is crumbling before our very eyes in the one place that prides itself on being the bastions of democracy; and those that cry freedom are the ones doing the most ardent and violent oppression.
Everywhere the news is dark and depressing, and I fear that, save for a few people, humanity has lost its soul entirely. As a collective, we are lost, and a few people seem to be willing to hasten it all… and those are the few people that have the means to do it.
I’m tired and I’m sad, and I’m so, so angry. But this anger is impotent. What can I do? I’m only one person. And the tide of evil over humanity has become as a thick pall of darkness that I, a little wavering candle, can do so little about.
All I can do is look after my little corner of the world. I can be kind to everyone I meet… or try. Sometimes it can incredibly difficult. I can try and limit my plastic use. I can choose to spend my money at places that aren’t the actual worst™. But there feels little point. I’m just one me. And everything feels so big and overwhelming.
I am not a main character. I’m just some background NPC to whom the programmers couldn’t even be bothered to give any lines. I watch movies and read books about heroes, both fictional and real, who did the thing. But they are not me, and I am not them. It all feels so devastatingly overwhelming sometimes.
What can I do?
Nothing. Except the little that I can. Is it enough? No. One little candle alone cannot hold back the darkness.
But still, it isn’t nothing at all.
I may not be a hero myself, but I can write stories of them; the same kinds of stories that help me have hope in my moments of deepest despair. Maybe others will one day find them, and enjoy a little hope of their own. Even if only for a little while, that’s still a worthy thing.
In these stories, both in fiction and in life, there are times when surely it people must have felt as I do now. That the darkness is so consuming, so pervasive, so overwhelming. That people everywhere seem to have given up; abdicated their responsibility to do anything at all; that humanity has forgotten what it means to be human. That is all seems so hard, so hopeless.
And in these stories there are people who still stood up. Who still did the thing. That’s what made them heroes. Because they did the thing no one else seemed capable of. Because they stood up and fought back. Their little candles became mighty blazes, and the darkness shrank back.
It feels so inadequate to just create stories in these times. But that’s all I can do, other than being kind (or try), speaking out when I have the opportunity, training an army of women… Only joking about that last one. Sort of.
One candle can light another. Which may go on to light another. And another. And another. So that maybe one candle could turn into many, enough to create a mighty blaze, enough to shrink the darkness.
I can’t do much. And it makes me cry. But I can, for as long as I survive, be a little candle. As long as there is one little candle, there is a hope, however slim, that the darkness can be held back.
I will hold that little candle for as long as I can.
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Not sure how much of this comment is going to be welcome, and have been struggling over whether to post it or not, but since your narrative theme keeps shoving a particular song into my mind, I'm going to go for it. Feel free to erase it, no hard feelings, and I'll take it as a note to shut up. 😉
First of all, I know that you're attempting to stop doom-scrolling of late, but if you should fall back into the habit, please consider confining it to GoodNewsNetwork (dot) Org. It is run by a group of news editors and citizen journalists who are dedicated to increasing the publicization of all of the good things happening in the world, whether or not they're flashy enough to be picked up by larger media. Every day, there are new articles about single people (lone candles) who have a positive impact on others and the world. GNN really helps against the negativity perception bias that most media outlets reinforce to capture readership. Personally, while I find it good to be aware of the pessimistic opinions of AI CEOs, I'd prefer to read about drone company CEOs who are actively working on mosquito-born-disease suppression in Poland and the malaria belts of Africa, and have successfully figured out how to reduce the cost while increasing the effectiveness of the practice.
Second of all, you sound like you need a rest. Not a vacation or a long sleep, but an actual rest where you can set the burdens of worry down and not have to pick them back up, preferably among people who are supposed to build you up. That's hard to find for free, so I don't know if you're going to like what I'm about to ask of you, but please hear me out-- there's a method to this madness. Would you consider attending a Methodist church service on Sunday mornings for a bit? Methodist specifically, because around the world a large number of those churches are about to go into their "Stewardship Month." It usually happens in August, September, or October. Stewardship Month tends to be a celebration of what the church has been using its resources to do to help the community, a discussion of how it could be better serving the community and what to do with the resources next year, and a publication of opportunities in which to serve and help the community. Sermon messages during Stewardship Month tend to focus around the need for "single candles" to be the small cogs that get the work of serving and helping done, and how making oneself available as a living tool for the Creator exponentially increases the opportunities for him to make good things happen, even if we don't realize our own parts in the good things until years down the line. The messages tend to show how one candle CAN and DOES hold back the darkness, and that our suspicions that it makes no difference are unfounded lies. ...I realize that some of that is not particularly comforting unless you trust that there is a Creator who is actively orchestrating things toward blessing and benefit, and I have no idea where you are in regards to that idea. Mostly, I just want you to be where you will be reinforced and strengthened as a "one little candle," and where you can be around other candles and see that it's not so dark after all.
Whether you choose to delete this comment or not, thank you for this post that reminded me of Matt Maher's song "Glory (Let There Be Peace)" which starts with the lyrics, "One star burns in the darkness."
Thank you so much for this lovely message. I have heard of GNN, and do intend to check it out once I have a better handle on my personal life. Depression, man. It's not fun.
I also appreciate the suggestion. While Christianity is not for me, I do understand that it has helped many people and that the community provided by church-going can be a comfort, so don't feel like you've offended or overstepped your bounds. I appreciate the care behind the suggestion.
I *do* need to rest. But alas, I must earn money to pay for food and shelter, and the work that lights me up (writing) isn't paying... yet. One day, maybe. So it's to a job I don't like, doing work that means nothing. Plus there's the trying to make a writing career for myself, and trying to keep said shelter clean, and, and, and... Life doesn't stop, even if we want it to.
Oh well. One day, maybe it'll all pay off. Until then, I shall carry on.
Thanks again for your care. I really do appreciate it.