Good morning, Readers!
Okay, I wrote a great big long blog post just before I went off to dinner with family yesterday that was really just rehashing the same old frustrations and sadness around my writing career that I've written about a thousand times before. So... I deleted it all and want now to focus on gratitude.
Because, while I am still frustrated and sad about how much it feels like I'm treading water - working hard and going nowhere - I am also profoundly grateful for so very much.
I dislike having to go to the office to earn enough to live. I'm sad that after all this time, I've not developed enough of a readership to sell enough books to support my life. I am still very grateful to have a roof over my head at all. I'm still grateful that I have a bit of time to write, even if it's not a lot currently. I can still write, and that's a good thing, even if it's not for hours a day like I want.
When I look at where other writers I know personally (and many I do not), I get so sad that I'm not where they are. And I have to pause and remind myself that they have a bunch of supports I do not. They have spouses or partners who can help with the bills (or in one case I know, take care of all the bills leaving the author to their writing) and also help with the housework. They are there for emotional support and help when things fall apart. I don't have that in my life. It's just me. Me. and Galahad, who I am also very grateful for.
I'm very grateful for my Starlings, who have subscribed to my Ko-Fi and give me a little of their own hard-earned funds every month. Like... what? Who does that? What amazing folk they are. I'm so grateful that you believe in me enough to do that. And I'm also plagued by guilt that I'm not doing enough for you!
Every time I get sad that I have so few subscribers, and it'll take forever to raise enough funds to pay for the audiobook of The Dying God & Other Stories I want to get done, I take a pause and think of the people who have subscribed and how incredible it is that I have anyone at all. Genuinely. I'm so amazed.
And finally, I'm so grateful that I haven't given up yet. There's a weird little stubborn-as-fuck goblin inside of me that digs her sharp little heels in every time I feel like giving up. I've been feeling a lot like I should just give up a lot recently, and every single time, there's a jolt in my chest and an angry little voice in the back of my head that will not let me.
It's hard to describe, but the closest to it I can get is to say there's another me. And she's little, and angry, embittered, and horridly determined. She's the one who has repeatedly dragged me by the ear back to my stories. When I'm sad and sobbing in my bed, she gets up, slaps me upside the head and puts my writing laptop in my lap.
I wish she'd clean my kitchen sometimes.
So, while I am struggling a little bit with my life and where I am in relation to where I want to be, I am still so very grateful for all that I've managed to do and be on this journey. I've met some wonderful people who did and continue to support me, and make me feel better when I feel like nothing I'm doing is getting me anywhere.
There are things in the works that I'm trying in order to get me to a place where I can support myself with my creative work. Any results to be had will take a while for me to see. If it does result in anything. Most everything I've tried has not really worked. But I'm not letting up. And I'm also grateful for that.
Genuinely, thank you so much for all that you dol. Even if it's simply reading an occasional blog post. I'm really very grateful to you and for you.
Slán go foill!
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