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We're Not Lying

2/3/2016

6 Comments

 
Good morning, Readers.

So, have you ever had a sudden reality check that reminds you that you aren't safe in this world, that, despite the wonderful men in your life, there are others; men who think they are owed, that they deserve something special for helping out the object of their desire, who embody the spirit of rape culture?

These are men, seemingly ordinary, decent men, who nonetheless hold attitudes that are the reason behind so much violence and hatred against women (probably also minorities, but it's women in this specific scenario).

I had this reality check yesterday.  I was reminded that, despite my position of significant privilege, I'm still not safe, and I should never, ever accept help from anyone, in case they have an ulterior motive.  I witnessed this reality check on Facebook, on a personal friend's wall.

On my personal Facebook, I posted this comic:
Picture
It had been making the rounds and it spoke to me.

​A personal friend shared it to her feed.  Then this happened:
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Yep.  That's a conversation I followed.  I wish I didn't.  But I did.

There is so much wrong, and frustrating, and scary about this exchange I don't even have time to unpack it all.  There are some things I have to say, however.

To start off with, the dragon is metaphorical.  To translate the comic into real life, that dragon could be anything; a ride home when she needed one, a meal/drink that was paid for, a "compliment" on her appearance, some heavy lifting when she wanted her bookshelves moved, etc.  Pick a reason, pick any scenario where someone helps or does something nice for someone else.

Now imagine demanding sexual favours in exchange for this nice thing you've done.

I hope that thought makes your skin crawl, because if it doesn't, we can't be friends.  You are not permitted within 400 metres of me.  Go away.

Let me make something abundantly clear:

You don't deserve a cookie for being nice.  Nice is what you SHOULD be.  Furthermore, it is not nice at all if the only reason you're doing it is because you want a little diddle after.

To my fellow women, it is not rude to establish and defend your boundaries when someone violates them.  They deserve a tongue-lashing, or even a belting... with a studded belt.  Set your boundaries, and enforce them by any means necessary.  If someone thinks you're a bitch for doing so, that is someone whose opinion you can happily dismiss.  They are well beneath you.

To anyone else who may scoff when the phrase "Rape Culture" is used, take a look at the conversation above.  Read it several times.  Then understand that when we say there is a pervasive culture where women are treated not as human beings, but as sexual objects to be won, convinced or coerced, know that we aren't lying.  Know that it's not just a small few of arseholes who think like that, but actual real people, who actually move in the same world, and sometimes the same circles as you do.

It is not a culture of rapists, but a culture of excuses for rapists, excuses that are easy to make because a comic illustrating the ridiculousness of demanding sexual favours in exchange for aid can be met with, "That princess was ungrateful." in all seriousness.

We're not lying to you.  We're telling the truth.  Rape culture is real, and it affects us all.

​Ciao.
6 Comments
April link
2/3/2016 11:59:17 am

There's nothing a hate more about that conversation than the whole "she's being a bitch" argument. Like, I don't owe you a kiss or anything else sexual, so if you try to get one I certainly don't owe it to you to be nice! Why is it that the world thinks women need to be nice all the time?

For example, I have a profile on a dating site (because I'm crazy). A guy messages me. I don't respond. The next day he writes again "You could at least say hello". No, actually. The least I can do is nothing. I don't owe you anything.

This was followed, a few hours later by a message "Really? Look in the mirror."

Ugh. I hate being told I owe someone something just because I'm a woman. Fuck that noise.

Reply
S.M. Carrière link
2/3/2016 12:10:45 pm

I HATE that response; like they're doing you a favour by reaching out to you. It's so repulsive.

I lasted all of two weeks on a dating site before I decided that I would rather be single forever than wade through all the bullshit in the quest for love.

Fuck that noise indeed!

Reply
Raeanne
2/3/2016 01:00:14 pm

Agree wholeheartedly. It's fine for them to not answer you when you reach out, but if you don't reply you're a bitch. I'm about ready to close all my accounts again because of crap like that. One guy thought I should take the risk of having him over for sex in 30 minutes of talking to him that involved him saying little more than that he likes movies and life is short. Life isn't so short that I want a stranger in my home who may have who knows what STI. Oh but he was a police officer, so he clearly knows more about life than I do and I should be a good little female and acquiesce.

Reply
Jonas
2/3/2016 12:12:31 pm

I thought the comic was brilliant. Here's why. When I saw it, at first it bothered me just a little bit. It didn't sit right.

And I had to think about it. It bothered me because it went against everything I'd seen. Save the princess get a kiss. Save the day, a beautiful woman f**ks you.

Now, I know it doesn't work that way in real life. But so much of the media I consume has that woman=reward trope. And seeing something that challenged it challenged me, and how I see things.

And now I see things differently. And I think I'm better off for it.

I'm really sorry you had such a rough conversation. For the little it's worth, I think those arguing with you are maroons.

Reply
Alex
2/3/2016 01:07:14 pm

When I say “yes, I do mean all men”, I mean we are raised to fear ALL MEN. We are taught to trust no one, and to look out for our own safety because if we don’t then we’re going to be attacked or assaulted.

Men, do you really still want to be butthurt about the other night, when that girl who moved to the other end of the platform at the bus stop when you sat down next to her and said hello? Because in her mind, she’s calculating how fast she can pull her keys out. She’s calculating if she can run away from you in those heels. She’s mentally rehearsing yelling “FIRE” in case you lay a hand on her.

“Really?” You ask. “But all I said was hello! I was being nice.”

As much as I sort of hate to say it, with the way things are right now, there is a time and a place to start a conversation. There are times and places where hellos, innocent questions about the book we’re reading or the complimenting of our hair is not welcome. It’s not because we’re bitches who don’t want to talk to you (well, sometimes we just don’t want to talk to you, and that should also be acceptable, but that’s a different matter which I won’t get into right this second), it’s because right now the only person who we can trust to be accountable for our own safety is ourselves. And if my personal safety comes at the cost of your feelings, then that’s a sacrifice I’m going to make every time.

And yes, we are occasionally going to have to take risks. And that is one of the most important things to keep in mind when approaching a girl.

Every. Interaction. Is. A. Risk.

Even with guys who aren’t total strangers. Maybe it’s a friend-of-a-friend you met at a party, maybe it’s a guy who works at the same store as you in another department, maybe it’s a classmate. It doesn’t matter. Even when we consent to going on a date, we still have to calculate what the risks are.

I’ve heard a number of men in real life and on the internet complain about things like the “friend zone” – which basically boils down to a complaint about women not giving them sex as some kind of reward for treating said women with basic human decency – and, more to my point, complaining about girls not rejecting them in a straightforward, honest way.

“Why don’t they just politely say they’re not interested? Why do they say things like ‘maybe later’ or ‘another time’ when they don’t actually want to date us at all?”

Allow me to reiterate: every interaction is a risk.

The trouble is we can’t predict how a man is going to react to a rejection. Yes, it’s pretty likely that he’ll take it just fine, even if he's hurting on the inside. But I’m sure you’ve seen screenshots girls have taken of guys that react not-so-kindly to being rejected. Insults and slurs are the least of our worries when many women are threatened with bodily harm and yes, rape, when they turn down dates. So if giving an excuse that is not completely honest gets us out of the situation safely, then sorry, but that’s the way it has to be.

A girl isn't a bitch if she chooses not to "reward" your basic human decency with sex. She isn't ungrateful if you're making assumptions about the way she should feel about you. She's looking out for herself and exercising her autonomy. I seriously don't know why more people don't understand that.

Reply
S.M. Carrière link
2/3/2016 01:40:39 pm

So, yes to ALL of this.

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    S.M. Carrière, a Celtic Studies enthusiast, writes fiction.  And this blog.

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