Still, I'm up... even if it's super late because dragging myself out of bed was difficult. I at my computer, having had breakfast, with my coffee and a plan for today's work. That's something. Even if that something is my simply floundering around, stumbling forward. I think, give the world at the moment, that it's all I can do, and I ought to cut myself some slack.
I'm still mad at myself, though.
I'm also really missing the gym. I miss stepping away from my office desk, going outside for a little bit, and then lifting heavy things for a while. I miss the feeling of strength and affirmation I got every time I hit the gym. I miss training. I miss seeing my friends, and learning to fight with them. I miss punching and kicking something solid. I want to get a heavy bag to hang up somewhere. But I have no where to hang it, and no space to work with it at any rate.
I've been thinking about maybe having a stand for it in the teeny tiny backyard we have here, and taking the bag down to the basement at the end of each session. Weightlifting and fight training all in one session. But, and here's the real issue, I don't really have the funds to buy a stand and bag. Still, I'm looking into it, because I really, really, REALLY miss training and I really, really, REALLY need to punch something.
If I don't soon, I might just cry.
Anyway, that's where I am right now. My shoulders sit permanently up around my ears because I've no way to work out my anxieties in the way I'm used to, and I'm also irritated with myself for not doing the things I meant to.
I've been having really vivd dreams, though, so that's a plus... I guess?
Right, I should go and attempt normalcy.