Maybe it’s not that I need to slow down at all. Maybe it’s that I need to start pushing myself. Maybe I need to start applying some of that self-discipline that got me working so well in the before times.
It’s incredibly difficult to tell, really. I don’t want to drag myself to the burnout zone, which I have definitely done before, ruining my recovery. But I’m also feeling anxious that I’m not doing enough, and I’m incredibly annoyed at myself for not having my shit together more.
I should have more paintings done. I should have finished the writing thing I’m working on. I should be setting up my advertising schedules for my books for the rest of this year. I should be getting proficient with my guitar. I should be starting conversational French. None of theses things have been happening.
The only thing I’ve reclaimed for myself happens to be martial arts. I got back to training this summer, and teaching as well, and that schedule has largely worked (though there were some instances where I couldn’t make it to training for various reasons; meaning I’ve missed a fair number of classes this summer (though small, that number would have horrified me in the before times)).
I’m really looking forward to later this month, when training resumes (we’re on a break now). Even better, I get to teach three classes this September, all women’s only (beginner and intermediate kickboxing, and kung fu). I’m really looking forward to that. I adore teaching these classes.
I’m not just ranting about all of my inabilities and failures. There is a reason for this. And it does relate to the title, I promise.
I will not be there. I originally did have a table, and I was quite excited to be out in the world again. That excitement has soured some.
You see, the folks behind Ottawa ComicCon have declined to implement a mask mandate, despite this being a large function which usually means tonnes of people packed into enclosed spaces. It spikes my anxiety enough ordinarily (thank heavens I have a table to hide behind), but in the current climate, with an airborne viral pandemic that has not gone away — in fact, roughly three times more people in Ontario have died to the disease this summer compared to 2019 — it presents simply too much for me to be able to handle.
I am not mentally or emotionally prepared to face crowds of people unmasked. If I caught something there and brought it back to the people I love, I would forever be plagued by unfathomable guilt and deep, deep resentment.
This is by far the biggest reason I won’t be having a table there this year.
But there is another reason.
I’m not physically prepared. Thanks to my absolute inability to get my act together, I just don’t have the stock to fill a table. I wanted my table to be filled with paintings, with leather crafting stuff, and small sculptures. I wanted to be able to sit behind my table and be proud of what was there.
I can’t do that. I don’t have the paintings I wanted. I have no new leatherwork items, and absolutely no sculptures whatsoever. I don’t have the stock to justify having a table. And I don’t have the mental and emotional capacity to face maskless crowds for an entire weekend.
I’m quite sad to be missing it, truth be told. I love being amongst my fellow nerds, nerding out over all the cool things.
But I’m not ready yet.
And, if I’m honest, I’m not likely to be missed. Few people know my writing, fewer still care about it (and boy are those few precious to me!). I doubt there is anyone coming to Ottawa ComicCon to see me. Thank goodness. That does take a lot of pressure off.
In case there is anyone who was looking forward to my presence at Ottawa ComicCon, I’m really so sorry. I just don’t have the capacity. But I’ve made a commitment to CanCon this year (which have implemented a vaccine and mask mandate, relieving me of much of the anxiety around being out and about in an enclosed public space). I won’t have the stuff I would like for my table there, but there will be more stuff than I currently have. It’s in October, and due to Covid they’re restricting the in-person numbers this year. If you’re desperate to come see me this year, I will be there.
Alright, that’s the update for today. I have work to do so, for now, I’m off.