In this new world, your own government will tell you outright, easily debunked lies and expect you to believe them just because they said it. They'll call them alternative facts.
Since that's the case, I thought I'd sell you a few of my own alternative facts. Now, these are only alternative facts currently. I sincerely do hope that one day some of these might be actual facts.
- The government has your best interests at heart
- I am a multi-award winning author
- I am a best-selling author
- I'm the best author, everyone says it. I'm the best. The brightest. Believe me. (If you didn't read that in a Trump voice, I am disappointed in you)
- I am the most read author in the history of authors. (okay, so this is really reaching)
- I have made appearances on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (huge fan, Mr. Colbert)
- I am a highly sought after special guest for a large number of conventions
- I have a large property with horses
- I have a wonderful charity creating green housing for underprivileged communities
- I run a very successful LARPing company
That's about all the alternative facts I can come up with. What about you? What do you sorely wish was true for your vainglorious reasons, but isn't? Leave your alternative facts below, and let us all have a good chuckle.
Honestly, it's laugh or cry at this point, and I'm all out of tears.