It was not a good night for me.
I'm not happy.
I'm really quite depressed.
I feel like I'm not improving, and I'm frustrated.
To be fair to myself, I learnt this morning that I did improve quite a bit on my weighted squats, going up 40lbs from last year's max weight check to squat 225lbs this time. Not bad. I'm happy with that. If I remember correctly, my mid-year max checks were holding even at 185lbs, so the 40lb improvement came since June.
However, my deadlift, which should have been comparable, had not improved at all, and remained at 185lbs. In my defence, I kept dropping the bar from my left hand because the finger that was broken in May is still not functioning properly. I felt strong at 185lbs, and am dead certain that my deadlift would have been much higher had my finger not been broken.
Even still, the lack of improvement there left me feeling quite upset. It's especially frustrating when you're sure you could do better.
My bench press was also shit. I did improve a bit, but not by a lot, up only 15lbs from last year's max weight check, and not at all from the mid-year check. Sitting at 135lbs, when staring at my goal of 170lbs for a year is, not to get too dramatic, heartbreaking. I genuinely thought that I could at least get to 150lbs this time.
I noted in the email my Kung Fu brother and coach sent me this morning, he did not include the numbers from the mid-year check, which makes me suspicious that some regression has happened and he was trying to spare me.
I'm frustrated and demoralised. I must have looked it last night, because the Amazing Flatmate offered some whiskey to help. The whiskey didn't help. But the offering did. I went to bed in a better mood than when I arrived home last night.
And of course, my usual reaction to frustration and disappointment - anger - has reared its head. I'm angry. I'm angry with myself. Luckily, I have learnt to turn anger into action over my years of impotent rage. I've resolved to recommence early morning swims three times a week, and morning runs three days a week on alternating days. The swimming should help with chest, shoulder, arm and back strength. The running is really just because my cardio could always use some work, and i need to balance the strength training with some endurance.
On my Xmas list, therefore, is a large gym bag, a good swimming cap, a decent swimsuit, and a new pair of vibrams, because mine are falling apart.
And a tattoo, but that's unrelated.
Monthly bus passes in Ottawa are expensive AF, but will be necessary for me to get to the pool/track during the week. It's a good thing I'm working three jobs... *sobs*
Alright, I have a tonne of work to do today. I must go.