So, I am in the process of completing my third game, all of which have as their main protagonist a male character. I am not a bloke, clearly, so I thought I'd have some fun with these three male protagonists. So today, let's play a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill.*
The exemplary bastion of toxic masculinity gone berserk is not someone I think I'd want to be around for any length of time. He's angry to the point of psychotic and does so much whoring, there is no way I wouldn't end up with some kind of STI. Seriously, this guy must be responsible for infecting 80% of the Mediterranean single-handedly... or, well, with a different appendage.
He also straight up murdered his first wife, so, yeah... count me out.
I mean, he's so damned tortured he'd probably would thank me, if we're honest.
Easiest choice, ever. The choice between the other two was, on the other hand, agonising. I think I have an answer, but I'm still jumping back and forth between the two of them. Still, this is where I'm at currently.
He's extremely athletic, really clever (okay, so I'm the clever one who solved all the puzzles in game, but let's pretend it was him, okay?), super knowledgeable on ancient civilisations, clearly a skilled marksman, capable and cool when the shit hits the fan, funny.... Man, if things were different, I'd happily marry the guy. I could go on all sorts of archaeological adventures with him, which would be awesome, because archaeology is my jam, yo (it's also considerably more boring than the Uncharted series would suggest).
Why would I not marry him?
Ugh! I would, though. Genuinely, if someone was all the things Nathan Drake is, I'd be really thrilled to be paired with them. I like people who make me laugh, share my passion for ancient civilisations, and happen to also be really clever. Also, someone as laid back as him would be a nice balance to my cares-too-damned-much-ness.
But in this particular climate, I decided that his propensity to just fuck off whenever the mood strikes and not tell his wife why or where is a huge deal breaker. Unless I was with him, or he told me what was up, I would spend a lot of time being angry and worried in equal measure, and that would be miserable.
Also, it's a little worrying that he can kill people by the hundreds and think nothing of it.
Nathan Drake would be a really awesome, fun, very casual lover*, in my esteem.
He does some pretty nasty things in game; his encounter with Robert comes to mind. I have no doubt that he did terrible things to survive following the outbreak of the fungus plague and his daughter's murder (it was a murder). He's a smuggler, and it's clear that he and Tess have quite the reputation in their town.
The nightmares would be tough to deal with, were we married.
BUT, there's something about the way Joel is played that tells me that, unlike Nathan Drake, the things he had to do to survive weigh heavily on him. That tells me he does have a conscience. I get the impression that he didn't do them so much for his own benefit as to ensure the others around him were unharmed/survived.
He acts very selfishly at the end of the game, I hear, making him less than a hero, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'd act any differently. I grapple with whether or not his choice was correct. But that's a post for another day.
He's terrifying when violent, but only gets violent if the people he cares about are threatened. He's never violent with those who are in his "tribe" (as it were). In fact, he's downright gentle with them, even when he's pissed off at them. I understand that this might be an exception with Tommy, his brother, since they aren't together any more, and it seems that it wasn't a pleasant goodbye.
Also, he's not insecure about having a strong, "bossy" woman around, and is okay with relinquishing the decision-making provided he says his piece.
Sure, more than ten years my senior, he's broody and troubled, has nightmares and will curb-stomp a man's head into mush, but I think I could handle all that because knowing he was willing to go through that for my sake would make me feel safe.
Plus, with the real life Doomsday Clock set at two minutes to midnight, I'd want to have a stone cold survivalist on my team. I certainly wouldn't want to be on the other guy's team.
Bonus points, he's clearly intelligent and also quite handsome. Wouldn't kick him out of bed* for eating crackers!
So, what do you think? Did I choose wisely? Who's your video game character Fuck, Marry, Kill trio (use your last three games)?
*Note: I am a hetero-romantic asexual who happens to think that marriage is a total crock (ie - would only wed if it was of significant importance to any hypothetical future significant other), so take this with a extremely large helping of salt.