Yet, despite things going really well, I'm feeling really, really down. It has a lot to do with things not going well elsewhere, particularly with passion projects of mine that I'm really struggling to maintain. The worst thing is that the reasons for the struggle are completely out of my control, being as reliant on other people's schedules as it is. I'm feeling quite down about it, and seriously considering giving up on it altogether. When I'm actually doing the thing, I really enjoy it, but everything leading up to it has become a source of frustration and disappointment, and it's been that way a long time.
It also, in the long, long time I've been doing this, has not taken off as I had hoped it would, and there's very little engagement with it. This, I think, wouldn't bother me as much as it does if everything else was much more smooth, and if I wasn't the only one excited by the project.
Last night, I gave very serious thought to ending the thing I so enjoy doing. It made me so sad, and I'm still very sad this morning.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's alright to fail, that I really did try so hard to get this thing off the ground, and that some things just really are out of my control.
I still want to cry, though. I had hoped for too much, in this case, I think.
Sometimes I feel that way about writing. I look at all the work I've done, and how far from my goals I remain. Part of this is actually genuinely my fault. I'm not good at marketing. I hate telling people about my books. It gives me so much anxiety. I really could be putting more effort into making my stuff known, instead of hiding in the dark and hoping they speak for themselves.
I see some authors hustling. It really irritates me, but I'm wondering if the source of that irritation is not a little bit of jealousy that they can so readily and easily sell themselves. I mean, I'm pretty certain that I am not fond of people trying to sell me things by way of overblown promises and stupid gimmicks, but still, I do admire their hustle and probably power through my discomfort to at least approach something like their game.
Anyway, I tend to let my mind linger on all my failings when I'm down, and should probably stop doing that. I'll sign off now and go do some work.
But first, while I'm being salty about things, why the hell are cloaks and hoods no longer in fashion? I find this unacceptable. Let's bring those back, please.
Right, I'm off. Have a good day everyone.