S.M. Carrière . com
Connect:
  • Home
  • About
  • Titles
    • Daughters Of Britain
    • Dear Father
    • Ethan Cadfael: The Battle Prince
    • Human
    • Skylark
    • The Dying God & Other Stories
    • The Seraphimè Saga >
      • The Summer Bird (v.1)
      • The Winter Wolf (v.2)
    • Your Very Own Adventures >
      • Skara Braens
      • Sky Road Walker
    • WIP Updates
  • Art
  • Other Projects
    • Editing Services
    • Charity Efforts >
      • Gàrradh nan Leannan
      • Have a Heart Campaign
    • Journal
    • Martial Arts
    • Silver Stag Entertainment
    • The Adventures of Grimglum the Nord
    • SMC Awkwardly Plays
  • Shop
    • Books
    • Art Prints
  • Contact

Big Dreams, Tight Bonds

27/5/2019

0 Comments

 
Good morning, Readers!
Picture
Image courtesy of wallpaperscraft.com. I want this library. That is all.
I'm feeling a little down today.  Once again, the image of a hamster furiously running on a wheel and getting nowhere pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about my writing career at the moment.  Also how I feel about my life, to be honest.

Looking around, I have friends who are off increasing their professional credentials, looking to buy a house and start a family, expanding their families, going on holidays, heading to conventions overseas, moving forward (these are not things I want for myself necessarily, except the travel, but they're still our society's markers of a "successful" life, and the pressure is still there).

I am stuck.  Running like mad on a wheel going nowhere.  I'm frustrated and sad and just wanting to throw my hands in the air and walk away from everything.

I'm not going to, by the by.  I have rent to pay and life requires fuel, so in order to have a home and eat, I'm going to have to keep my job.  As for writing, well, writing is a compulsion for me.  I get itchy.  I start to go a little mad(der) with all these voices and stories in my head screaming for release.  If I don't write, I end up in a really bad place, mentally.

But all this work for what feels like nothing has been really wearing on me of late.

The curse of an active imagination is that I dream big, and I dream big often, but it seems I lack the skill set to turn those dreams into anything more.  For all the time my head is in the clouds, it feels like I'm chained firmly to the dirt, laying flat and unmoving, staring up at the birds and wondering what it might be like to be able to fly.

It's not an ideal way to live.  It makes contentment nigh on impossible.  Unhappiness and restlessness are default states.  There are real tears over stupid shit that doesn't even matter, really.

Most of the time, it's not actually all that difficult just have fun with what I'm doing.  Sometimes, though, more rarely now, to be honest, it grates on me.  It eats me up.  It makes me want to throw things.  I know it's stupid, and that I shouldn't need to make money or gain some sort of notice to be happy with writing.  And here's the thing, I don't want a tonne of money from my writing.  Just enough that I could do it full time and not have to worry too much.  I don't need any kind of accolade, but a few reviews might be nice.  I'm not looking for fame.  I just want to be able to do what I want to do.

More, I know that I am a published author, and I do have readers who follow me, looking forward to the next book.  I don't know why I feel like it's not enough.  It ought to be enough.  It's a failing of mine, I suppose.  I also suppose that it's related to my depression.  We all know depression lies, and all those thoughts that I shall never succeed, that I should give up, that I'm just not good enough, that I don't deserve to be a full-time writer, etc are just not true.  Probably.

Happily, I know that this mood will pass, and I will be headed back to my usual goofy, idiotic self in not too long.  Equally as happily, I will be streaming tonight, off slaying orcs and trying to protect Middle Earth from within Mordor.  That always helps improve my mood.

Anyway, I already feel better.  Still sad, but less frustrated now.  I think that maybe I just needed to vent for a little bit.  Things actually aren't bad for me.  I'm not actually unhappy and most of the time I'm not feeling utterly frustrated and like quitting.  I'm just in a down phase at the moment.  It'll pass.

You can tell I'm having a rough time because I've just, for no reason, got myself ordained by the Universal Life Church of Canada.  Meh.  It was free, so why not?  Also, the organisation itself seems pretty cool.  So I guess I'm free for pagan-leaning humanist ceremonies if you want someone to officiate.

Right, I have a manuscript to try and finish.

Ciao!
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    S.M. Carrière, a Celtic Studies enthusiast, writes fiction.  And this blog.

    Archives

    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    September 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014

    Categories

    All
    Book Reviews
    Events
    Gaming
    Human
    Life
    Rants
    Reading
    Seraphimè Saga
    Seraphimè Saga
    Skylark
    Television
    Training
    Travels
    Writing
    YouTube

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly