Good morning, Readers!

This weekend was another busy one.  This should come as no surprise, since it is the winter solstice season (that one was for you, my oft forgotten pagan friends).  It was a welcome busy, however.

Friday evening, the Amazing Flatmate threw a spectacular Christmas get-together for all our friends.  There was lots and lots of food, and lots and lots of alcohol.  It had been a fairly hectic week, so I was not feeling quite in the spirit of the party... until people started showing up.  I know wonderful people, and they never fail to put me in a good mood.

The food was delicious, and the company was extraordinary.  The Amazing Flatmate really outdid herself with this one!

Honestly, she worked so hard on this party - prepping for more than a week, and then spending two days cooking!  I am in awe.

In lieu of gifts, we asked that anyone wanting to bring something do so for one or all of three charities:

Holy shit did our friends deliver!  The boxes we provided overflowed with donations.  I am so, so grateful to my incredible friends who all pitched in to help make people's lives a little easier.  You are all incredible human beings and I am so lucky to know you.

I want to also extend a huge thank you to the Amazing Flatmate, who did all the organising, planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning for this event.  I feel very badly that I couldn't help much at all.  I sat at work feeling very guilty that while I was at the desk, the Amazing Flatmate was scurrying around the house doing productive things.

Guilt aside, it was a brilliant night.  Thanks to everyone involved who made it so!

The following day was my family's Christmas get-together.  This normally happens on Christmas day, but alas the party room had been booked already and there was no other option but to have it early.  It was a marvellous time, as it always is with my family, despite the fact that I was nursing a slight hangover.

Like I said, there was plenty of alcohol Friday night.

My family is one of the warmest, funniest, most loving group of people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so fortunate to belong to this gang of hilarious goofs.  I love them so much!

I was told to bring my books to the event, as people wanted to buy.  Alas, I was told too late to order in enough for everyone, so I just brought what I had left.  It felt very weird to be selling books at the family gathering...  I'm not a fan of it, but hey, it seemed to make them happy!  I'm now officially out of stock of everything except a couple of copies of The Winter Wolf.  Ordering new stock is going to cost an arm and a leg!

It was so lovely, and they're so lovely, I'm still smiling about that party.

Sunday gave me another reason to smile.  I escaped prison!

Let me explain.

Ottawa now has a fair few puzzle rooms; rooms in which you must solve a series of puzzles in order to escape.  I had, with friends, attempted one such room before.  We did not escape, having had the buzzer go off just as we were inputting the final combination to get the key needed to escape.  Damn everything!  We were right there!  I'm still salty about it!

This time, however, we managed to escape.  This room, apparently, was the hardest room to escape from, having only a 9% escape rate.  We managed it... with pure dumb luck.

Seriously, though.

We missed one piece of equipment, but still managed to escape the first section of the room.  Then we missed a vital piece of equipment, and therefore a whole slew of puzzles (and thus answers), yet managed to get the combination necessary for a successful escape... by accident.  Oh yes.  You read that right.  By accident.

I can't explain it in detail lest I spoil it for anyone thinking of attempting this room, but it was dumb luck that got us that last combination.

Most of the puzzles, though, we did solve.  I have to say that my friend Jen was MVP this session, with her quick maths skills and her ability to see anagrams.  Her husband Eric was instrumental in acquiring one piece of equipment we needed, and did a brilliant job of MacGyvering a workable solution to our equipment shortage (the equipment was needed to get the other equipment, which we got despite the lack of equipment.  Easy enough to understand, right?).  Thank heavens for tall people!

It was so much fun!

There are two rooms left at this particular location, and I want to try them both. I will organise another adventure soon.  I adore puzzle rooms... and I adore puzzle games in general (the Myst series is one of my favourite game series of all time).

To top off a marvellous Sunday, I found out that my book Ethan Cadfael: the Battle Prince was mentioned alongside some very excellent books by very excellent authors (Robert J. Sawyer, Charles de Lint and Tanya Huff, for example) in a 2016 pick list!  I'm thrilled and honoured, and still feeling like I shouldn't be mentioned amongst such brilliant people, but hey!  I'll take it!

You can view the entire list here if you like.  There are many fantastic books on it.

And last, but not least, Bundoran Press has now opened a short-story submission call for their up-coming anthology Lazarus Risen.  The premise sounds amazing.  I might attempt a story, but short stories are a skill that I don't quite have down.  I might not submit... but I might.  We'll see what I can come up with.  I highly encourage everyone else to submit, though.  You can find the submission details here.

And now I must go and do office things.  It's our staff solstice party, and I'm in charge.

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

This is a follow up on yesterday's post.

I'm okay!  I'm in a great place right now.  I'm working towards my dreams, surrounded by wonderful people, and I honestly don't think I've ever been happier.

But it's not perfect.  I no longer have suicidal thoughts, and haven't for many, many years.  I still do get bouts of crippling depression, though.  My anxiety isn't always under my control.  I still have to work to keep the good stuff.  I'm still working through a lot of shit.

And that's the key word here:

Work.

I didn't get to where I am by accident.  I fought.  I worked really, really fucking hard; on my dreams, on my life, on myself.

The first step I took was stepping away from the people who were making me feel terrible.  This was a huge step, since at the time, they were my only "friends."  It was a terrifying thing to do.  But it was necessary.  I then spent the next few years trying to collect the pieces of myself that I had lost along the way, trying to figure out where they went.

Who was I?  What shape did all these pieces make?  I had to figure that all out.  And it was hard, painful work.

The next step I took was really the biggest step of all.  I acknowledged my dream of becoming a writer, and I started working at it.  I started this journey with only a handful of short stories, some poems and a couple of drawings.  I was untested, unprepared and completely out of my depth.

I did it anyway.  And I worked so hard.  I researched hard on ways to self-publish, on agents and publishing houses accepting manuscripts, on places where my stuff might sell.  I produced more books.  I reached out to more people.  I went to conventions and book fairs.  Lots of this stuff made me uncomfortable.  Lots of this stuff pressed my buttons and made me squirm.  it wasn't pleasant.  It required a lot of personal work to get through.

Funny how doing professional work makes you confront and deal with your personal hang ups.

In the process of pursuing the work of my chosen profession, I ended up doing a whole lot of work on my own person.  Make no mistake, it was - and remains - work.  Hard work.  Uncomfortable work.  It's work that never ends.  It's work that I've needed help with.

The life I'm living today is a result of deliberate choices I made (and some that I didn't make quite so deliberately.... (thanks life, for the best flatmate ever)) and the hard work I've done to pull myself out.

Of course, I didn't get here without help.  Therapy helped.  The friends I made once I started to the work helped.  More therapy helped (seriously).

But I think it's important to note that in order to get the life I have now, I worked.  I worked really, really hard.  And it wasn't easy work.  It isn't easy work.  There are often tears.  Buttons get pressed.  Shit comes up that I never knew was mine.  And the works starts over again.

Life rarely rewards inaction, even if it feels like it sometimes when you're gazing up at all those successful people you see everywhere.

If there is something you want, you need to work for it.  It's not just going to present itself to you on a silver platter.  It's not something we want to admit, but it's true.  Things must be earned.  They must be worked for.

And here's another truth; not everything you work for will be realised.  There will be disappointments.  Lots of them.

I've been writing seriously for seven years.  I've been publishing for five.  I'm still an unknown, struggling writer without a contract and a small (but growing) audience.  I am not supporting myself with my work.

Yet.

I'm happier than I've ever been, thanks to the professional and personal work I've done, and it irks me some when people exclaim 'You're so lucky!"

Luck has had very little to do with it thus far.

It's been work.  I've worked my arse off.  And I will continue to.  I have no choice.  The nature of my situation means that I'll always have to work.  I'll always have to fight the uphill battle that is depression.  I'll always have to work to make my professional dreams come true.

It takes work.  But damned if the results aren't worth it!

Good morning, Readers!

So, there is nothing really to report.

Last night I went out for a night of board-gaming fun with friends.  Not for the first time, I was struck by how wonderful these people are.

Somehow, I went from knowing the most horrible, selfish, deliberately malicious people to meeting and befriending some of the sweetest, kindest, loveliest people on the face of the planet.  I'm fairly certain that's not hyperbole.

Where did this good fortune come from?

I don't even know where to begin.  I only know, looking back, that my fortunes certainly have turned around.  The people in my life now are amazing human beings.  They weren't always.

I've had "friends" who made my life hell for some reason I have yet to discover.  It was more than one person, though one in particular sticks in my mind.  It seems ridiculous and childish to say out loud, and in truth, the whole situation was.  It was very high-school mean girls.  It was not the way adult women should behave at all.

Yet it happened, and I became the target of a one-woman campaign to.... what, exactly, I don't know.  I do know, however, that it drove me to a low I had not experienced since high school.

I had struggled with depression and suicidal ideation all throughout high school.  During that time I made five attempts on my own life, none of which, thankfully, worked.  They were all failures largely due to interruption or my own (blessed) ineptitude.

High school was not a good time in my life.

Things improved a little, until this "friend" came along.  I came through her emotional abuse to tell about it.  Barely.  At its worst, one night in an empty house, I put a knife to my throat.  There was a long period of deliberation before I put the knife away.  Closing the knife drawer took an astonishing amount of willpower.

Three years of no contact passed before I finally realised that it wasn't my fault at all.  It took three years for me to undo the psychological damage this girl rained on me, to recognise the gas-lighting, the lying, the deliberate spreading of misinformation to my superiors at work, the manipulation...

To this day, almost ten years later, I cannot understand her; either her motivation or how she could do what she did with a clear conscience.  How did she feel justified in doing that to someone?  It still baffles me.  It hurts less now than it did - you can tell because I'm talking about it - but it still hurts.

It's hard not to fall into the trap of blaming myself.  After all, no rational person would behave that way.  I must have done something to deserve it.  But that is as much a lie as the friendship was.  To her, I suspect, my crime was existing.  There was nothing I could have done to appease her.

Am I making you squirm?  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to.  But I have to talk about it.  I have to talk about it because there are people out there going through what I went through, and they have to know that people make it through.

It was a horrible, dark time.  I was ready to walk away from life entirely.  My heart hurt so much, I couldn't bear it.  I felt alone, isolated... miserable is not strong enough a word to explain how I felt being in that place in that time.  I was totally and utterly crushed.

But I made it out.  It was a fight.  It was hell.  But I made it out.

Now life is so full of light and possibility, there is so much to look forward to.  And I have discovered that it is also full of genuinely wonderful people; people who lift you up and help, who love and support, not tear down and eviscerate.  Real, lovely people actually exist.  They're not just in fairy tales.

It does get better isn't just a thing people say to placate the suffering.  Things actually do get better.

If you are suffering, whether from abuse or not, it is so important to get help.  There are places you can turn.  Help can be gotten.

If you live in the Ottawa region, you can go here.  Everyone in Ontario can call here.  In fact, there are crisis centres all over Canada where you can find help.

There is only one you.  The world needs your stories.  But you have to be here to tell them.

Good morning, Readers!

As many of you already know, I love music.  A lot.  It's usually the thing I turn to the most when life gets me down and out.  I use it to do pretty much everything.  I train to music.  I write to music.  Some nights, I fall asleep to music.

Music is wonderful.  And it helps me cope with life sometimes.

Because I'm dealing with disappointment this week, I've been repeating the same few songs over and over again.  Because they help me.  They make me feel better and give my the determination I need to continue forward with my personal and publishing goals.

It seems silly, but there is a reason they used music before battle.  And life can sometimes feel like a battle.

To that effect, here are some songs I've been listening to that have helped me lift my spirits.

Lyrics:

In this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

Don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

Rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

Moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

Don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's a place
there's a place where we belong

Lyrics:

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I'm afraid
I am through with this
Cuz I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I've been sacrificed
My Hearts been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
Whats right in front of me

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for 
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don't believe I'll fall from grace
Won't Let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I've Embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waited for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire

And finally:

This one has been on repeat a lot.  I fucking love this song.

Lyrics:

Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It's not a blight, but a remedy,
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You wait and hoped it would call out again
You heard the shadow beckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
(All's not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn't where you think you'd find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don't be afraid, don't turn away
You're the one who can redefine it
Don't let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don't let hope become a memory

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
(All's not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Sickening, weakening
Don't let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
(All's not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Don't ignore,
Listen to me now
(All's not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

What about you?  What do you listen to that helps you deal with life?  Share!

Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Last night, late in the night, I received another rejection.

This is really par for the course for writers, but it never really loses its sting.  It's a roller-coaster of hoping and disappointment.  At the end of it you just hope that it'll all be worth it.

For my, that pay off would come with the ability to support myself with just my work.  That would be lovely.  I feel like a traditional publisher will help me get there, but trying to get one seems to be a monumental task.

Of course, it is.  I'm just one of many hopefuls trying to get noticed in a sea of yet more hopefuls.  Hopefuls beyond measure.

Anyway, it can really wear someone down.

I'm feeling a bit worn, so I think I'll take a break from submissions for a little bit.  Probably only until January, but I don't want to spend my Christmas holidays wondering if one publisher or another likes my stuff enough to take me on.

It's a shame, because this weekend was really lovely.  I went out to dinner with my Kung Fu family on Saturday.  I invited my dad and the Amazing Flatmate along.  It was a great time, though ended early-ish.  We're all getting old!

Sunday I had two parties to attend.  The wonderful Liz and Hayden Trenholm had a gathering for Christmas, and I went along, excited to see all the wonderful people I have met over the course of my writing career.  They were as lovely as ever, and it was a lot of fun.

Alas, I had to leave early to attend a friend's tree-trimming party.  That was also a wonderful time.  I have brilliant friends.

Then I made the mistake of checking my email before bed.  I went to be sad.

Blurgh.  The writer's life...

Today, I'm exhausted.

As much as I love my friends and the writing community in Ottawa, people are exhausting.  I need a lot of recovery time these holidays... Because of the holidays.

Oh well.  I have a tonne of work to do today, so I best stop whining!

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

Remember when I wanted to have Daughters of Britain finished by the end of June?  Yeah... those were the days...

Naturally, things did not go according to plan.  I am still writing that manuscript.

I have plenty of excuses, of course - editing a different manuscript, organising my convention season, freaking out about doing a pitch, working full time, martial arts schedule increase from four days a week to five, serious illness in the family and so on.  Truth be told, there really wasn't much I could do about the big things.  The smaller things, however... I know I could have managed my time better, and it annoys me a lot.

I'm almost done writing the first, but it's taken far longer than I anticipated, and that bothers me.  A lot.  I hate being late.  It was supposed to be away to Beta Reader One by now.  Once it's done, of course, there are a lot of things that I have to go back and fix.  I have to add in some dates and decide how I'm going to organise the manuscript.  I have to remember what's his face's name is and replace all the capital 'C's I put as a place holder until I remembered.  The same with the name of the Gaulish city where most of the story takes place.  That place holder is a capital 'L.'  In fact, there are a fair few names in the same predicament.

Also, I couldn't decide if one of the characters was named Brys, Prys or Rhys.  The same guy has three different names in this manuscript.  I might change the name entirely, though, to something more in line with the other Roman British names that appear in the manuscript.  We'll see.  I don't know.

What I'm trying to say is that, despite taking my sweet arse time writing this thing, the manuscript is a hot mess.

It's lucky I love the story.

And even that is starting to wane.  After working nearly a year on it, the story no longer seems fresh and exciting.  It's old, and tired, and I'm so tired of dealing with it.  Ugh.  I just want to throw it in a drawer and forget about it for a bit.

Which I will, after this draft is thoroughly fixed up and editing by me (in so much as I am able at this juncture).

You see, even though I whinge and whine and get peevish about it, there's nothing I'd rather be doing than writing.  And this is a story I've been wanting to tell for a long while.  So even though I'm sick to death of this whole thing, and even though my writing has been very sporadic, I will get this manuscript finished.

In honour of this attitude, here is a song:

And with that, I must get writing.

​Ciao!

Good morning, Readers!

This morning, when I should have been getting out of bed, I had strange dreams.  Much of it was oriented on my future.  FYI, my future is very weird indeed.

The world is a scary place right now, what with Donald Trump leading the polls to be the next GOP presidential candidate.  He got there espousing a terrifyingly fascist ideology, which was applauded by many.  Strangely enough, those cheering him the loudest are also screaming about some mythical American Exceptionalism, about how America is the only one defending the free world... and yet, and yet, they're clapping mindlessly to a man who seems to have pulled his political ideas right from Hitler's own play book.  Yeah, yeah, it seems very Godwin's law to say so, but damn it if it isn't true.  I'm not the only one to have noticed it:

Scary.

Still, Canada voted out our incumbent ass, so I still have hope for a rational outcome.

Then there is the horrific issue of climate change.  No one is denying the science any more, except for a few outliers.  I write this nearing the middle of December, in a very green Ottawa.  I miss the snow.  The news seems horribly dire, and no one who can do anything about it appears to be doing anything about it.

I stress about it a fair amount, actually.

Then there are all the smaller things like the social issues - misogyny, racism, other idiotic bigotries, discrimination and wilful ignorance.

The problems of the world feel so big.  It's easy to get overwhelmed and paralysed.

But I don't want to be paralysed.  I don't want to freeze.  Why?  Because the world needs people to act.  Even the smallest action could ripple along the sands of time and create the most incredible outcome.

I've started small, what with being very vocal about injustice when I see it, and in my own location with Sky Road Walker, and donating proceeds from that book once it's out to a local charity.

It feels silly and small and not enough.  But it's a start.  And it's that little start that has unfrozen me.  I want to do more for the world.

So, starting today... as soon as it's finished creating... I've created a Kiva team.  Anyone can join.  Anyone can give at any time, but I'll be starting a Christmas campaign to raise as much as we can to help entrepreneurs all around the world start building better lives for themselves, their families, and their communities.

What is Kiva?  Well, it's a fantastic site where people like us can give as little as $25.00 in a small business loan to people half a world away so they can start a business.  Kiva explains it better than I do:

This Kiva team I've created is for anyone who knows me personally, has read my stuff, or follows me on any social media site for whatever reason and feel like they want to make the world a little bit better.

The Have a Heart Campaign is an ongoing thing.  Anyone can donate at any time for any reason.  I've decided that any money I make from my sales of the merchandise from Human (that this stuff here) throughout the year will go towards the Have a Heart Campaign.  So, not the book purchases, but any of the related artwork/products.

This launches my first ever, very poorly thought out (I literally just thought of it this morning on my walk into work) Christmas campaign.

Having trouble coming up with a Christmas gift for someone this year?  Offer a micro-loan via Kiva in their name.  They get that glow-y feeling knowing that someone who needs it is getting help, you get to feel awesome yourself, and someone gets to realise a dream!  It's the perfect gift!

Join the team and help make a world of difference to someone this holiday season.

Thanks!

Ciao.