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Anger

2/3/2015

11 Comments

 
Good morning, Readers!

I hope you're all well this morning.  I am.  That said, I've been thinking a lot about things of late, and one of the things I think about a lot is my own emotional state.  Though I've calmed down a lot since high school, I've realised that I'm quite an angry person.
Picture
I sometimes feel I am in a continual state of this... Image courtesy of pixgood.com. Click for link.
I remember being angry a lot when I was younger.  To be fair, I had a lot to be angry about.  I was bullied - at home and at school.  I felt alone, and that made me angry.  I felt unvalued, and that made me angry.

I also have distinct memories of being angry that I happened to be a girl.  It wasn't that I felt like I shouldn't be a girl; that I felt like I had been given the wrong body (though I often joke that I should have been born a boy).  It was that I saw and felt the limitations imposed externally on my gender.  I saw all the cool stuff that my male peers were doing and allowed to do; cool things that I wasn't welcome or permitted to participate in 'because I was a girl.'  I saw that all the heroes in the culture surrounding me were male, and was flat out told once that women couldn't be heroic.  I was angry because whenever a boy did something uncoordinated or stupid, they were told they were behaving like girls; because girls are lesser, don't you know?  I was angry that I was being treated as lesser, when I knew for a fact I was just as clever as the boys.

As I was so interested in all the adventure sports and sword play and speculative fiction type stuff and no so much in the make-up and boys and romance type stuff, I felt I didn't really fit in with the girls in my class (I pretended to be really into boys just so I would have something to talk to my peers about... it didn't last long.  Romantic relationships have never been high on my to-do list).  I had no place with the boys, and none with the girls.  And that would make me really angry.  I would literally sit in a tree and cry, I was so angry about it.

Eventually I just stopped trying.  My last year of high school was me just giving up on everything.

By the by, if you're wondering why I'm so ardently feminist, look no further than me spending my entire childhood angry because of idiotic ideas about gender and interests, and how I wasn't allowed to pursue mine because I was apparently the wrong gender for them.

This has echoes to today.  People have assumed I was gay because I happen to be really involved with and interested in traditionally more 'masculine' pursuits.  I get angry about that as well.

My sister once remarked to me that I "was born angry."  It might be true,  I don't remember not being angry while I was growing up.

Not much has really changed.

Anger is the first emotion I feel for most things.  If someone jumps out at me, the first thing I feel after the initial flight or fight response is anger.  Then I usually become amused, because the only people stupid enough to jump out at me are my friends, and they know that they can get away with it.  We have a good laugh about it after I rein myself in.

If something bad happens to someone I love, my first response is anger.  Then it's sympathy.  To clarify, I get angry at the thing that happened, not at the person it's happening to.

You get the picture.  Anger has always been my first emotional response to any trauma, however slight.

So, yes, I'm an angry person.  I still get angry - really angry - at the stupid gender thing.  The recent 'girl's' aisle and 'boys' aisle in toy stores really grinds my gears.  I get angry when I see injustices of all kinds.  Is someone I don't know calling out someone else I don't know for completely idiotic reasons?  I get angry about it.  I jump in.  I shouldn't, but I do.

I get really, really, really angry about wilful ignorance.  There's no excuse for it.  None.

The thing is, I don't know why, precisely, I'm so angry.  Other people aren't.  Other people can just shrug and go about their lives.  I, however, get angry.  I wish I didn't.  It's exhausting!

However, unlike a lot of angry people, I almost never let that anger get the best of me.  It has been a long time since I've flown off the handle and punched/kicked a hole in any walls (a fairly frequent occurrence in my teens).  I haven't struck anyone in anger (I do at training in play, never in anger), though I have been sorely tempter several times.  If I'm having a discussion, and I feel myself getting too angry, I will cut it off.  I will hit delete.  I will walk away.

You see, I don't think anger is anywhere near as terrible as people make it out to be - provided it is respected and treated delicately.  If handled correctly, anger is a very useful tool.  It can provide the fire a person needs to get up and change their world.  Anger gave women the vote.  It freed slaves.  Anger was the fuel.

Anger, like jealousy, can also be the fuel for horrible things.

I suppose I view "negative" emotions the same way I conceptualise magic in my fiction - it is what is done with them that determines whether they are good or bad.

So, to my fellow angry people, get angry.  Use that as fuel to make the world better, and your anger will not be for nothing.  It's when you let your anger control you, instead of the other way around, that it becomes an evil thing.

Ciao!
11 Comments
eric link
2/3/2015 02:51:02 am

"Nothing to do but wait 'til it stops, I'm afraid. Better out than in." - Hagrid

When I was young I always kept my anger in and then I'd fly off the handle and yell, scream, or worse.

I eventually learned that it was better to vent it off than pretend it doesn't exist.

I'm still just as angry but I try to vent it and let it go more than I did.

Knowing that I'm not the only one getting angry about something helps. (Thanks angry internert.) Doing terrible things to characters in my books helps too.

Reply
S.M. Carrière link
2/3/2015 05:17:30 am

I think also allowing yourself to get angry helps; as long as it doesn't get out of control, knowing that it's not stupid to be fuming about something offensive takes the edge off it.

I was the same way when younger - I'd bottle it all up. Now I swear up a storm, go to training and punch and kick stuff, and then everything is better!

Reply
Susan
2/3/2015 03:51:57 am

TWINS I SAY! Omg. Well.. I mean aside from one factor but honestly, it's like you are talking about my life here... Jeebus. Just thought I'd say that. When I get angry, (which is rather quietly way too often), I walk away. I have been known to punch walls. Now I just rage through music.

Do you also end up getting to the point of absolute slumpiness afterwards? I tend to go from extreme high to insanely low. :|

This past week I decided to officially cut of some people in my life because of said raging anger. Fact.

Reply
S.M. Carrière link
2/3/2015 05:20:16 am

Anger is thoroughly exhausting. I do go through deep lows after I get into a rage; though less so now that I'm training (punching stuff really helps, I've found!) kickboxing and kung fu.

Also, sometimes, you really do have to cut toxic people out of your life. It is an unfortunate fact. I've done it. I'm not sorry.

Reply
TJ Webb
2/3/2015 04:04:05 am

“Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice."

Constructive anger," the demon said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

Also known as passion," I said quietly. "Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.”
― Jim Butcher, White Night

The trick is not to let it fester into unforgiveness, bitterness or wrath.

Reply
S.M. Carrière link
2/3/2015 05:22:41 am

That's a great passage. And you're right. It's when you let anger fester that problems arise.

Reply
Susan
2/3/2015 11:11:24 am

<3 Jim Butcher. He has most excellent passages XD But you are absolutely correct, what you do with that emotion is key.

Reply
Karin
2/3/2015 04:52:26 pm

Interesting points all, but I can't say I fully agree. Anger is only part of change -- the other parts being 'soft' things like hope, patience, persistence -- things that are more often dismissed than anger, which gets a good deal of credit sometimes. It's also too close to hate for my liking. Not that I don't realise the value of anger, in that it is a sign of what a person is willing to fight for, but it wasn't just anger that freed the slaves, it was also determination and kindness, not a burst of fury, but a long task, a lot of people with iron wills working together.

Passion, that is something I understand from experience, and have had extensive experience with. It's responsible for some of the best and worst moments in my life! Still, passion is not just anger, and it can be uplifting as well as infuriating.

I probably sound a bit stupid and soft for saying all that, but when I see how angry so many people are about nearly everything, I get angry at anger! And people can let it embitter them to the point that they don't see the positive side of anything, which makes me sad. I wouldn't deny the power anger can have, but it will never be the thing that saves the world, even if it's quite a popular emotion. To get angry about injustice is only natural, but to work towards something better, and to not let it make you hate the world, takes more strength.

And if there is an element of gender to it, maybe anger -- as a 'hard' emotion and more stereotypically masculine -- is more valued than love and patience because they are seen as more traditionally feminine? It's maybe a bit of a stretch, but it seems that way sometimes. Anyway, all this to say, you hit the mark that anger can be used for good, but don't stop there and make it your main feeling. There's so much to feel beyond that, and it doesn't mean losing passion, it's just a different kind.

Reply
Karin
2/3/2015 04:56:12 pm

(Shoot, I just realised how long that is and how silly it sounds. Don't take it seriously, as it's only a few jumbled thoughts!)

Reply
S.M. Carrière link
3/3/2015 01:25:04 am

Actually they are all very valid thoughts. You're right, of course. All those other things play a HUGE part. I feel, however, that anger gets a really bad rap - like people thinking it's a little too close to hate (in which we will have to agree to disagree. I don't think it's anywhere near hate) - but it isn't all that bad or scary - provided it is treated with respect and that one can remain in control of it (and not the other way around). In fact, if harnessed, it can be an incredible force for good.

It's also a legitimate thing to feel, and a person shouldn't be made to feel bad for being angry - provided that, again, the anger is treated delicately and not given control over a person and their actions. All too often I see people shamed for their (just) anger at something... which does nothing to help anyone.

Karin
3/3/2015 04:55:14 pm

Thanks for bearing with my rambling. I think the reason I'm wary of anger that way is because I more often see people praising it as a means of getting things done, or a necessity (without mentioning other emotions or attributes that are just as important). I try to think of myself as a decent feminist, for example, but I don't think I'm angry enough -- and that shouldn't be the case. So I think we've got different experiences with people and their views on anger. Probably that is why I associate it with hate, as well: when someone is angry enough they will often decide that they hate someone, most people, or everybody. Which they might not mean, but they say it anyway.

But I think it's important that people see it as legitimate. All else aside, there is little more humiliating than being told you are feeling the wrong thing, whether too much anger or not enough. (Guilt is a feeling I have similar thoughts on, though I won't go into them now. There is just too much to say about it.)




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    S.M. Carrière, a Celtic Studies enthusiast, writes fiction.  And this blog.

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